Welcome back! Popcorn is on the table on the left, right next to the plate of chocolate chip cookies. Please take a seat, my dear children, as I tell you about the wondrous –voice drops- women wooers!
Dat alliteration doe. Anyway, women wooers are to be treated with caution. Go in with a battle sword. Fortify thy heart! But also, thy mind. Thy mind and heart are what you will need to protect or gurrrrrrrrrl you’re going to start off thinking you’re undefeatable just like Hitler did and then in a bit you’re gonna be like #screwed.
The point is to beware. Because these boys, whether they do it intentionally or not (some do, some don’t), have a tendency to mess with your head and aim straight for the heart, the hub of female compassion and empathy. There are three levels.
The Flirts (Beginner)
The flirts are perhaps the most harmless if one understands their game plan very well. Flirts just love girls, okay? They may be in a relationship, they may be single with no interest in finding a woman right now, but either way they like to F-L-I-R-T. It is only a game for them, a total time-passer.
Classic example of a flirt. About two weeks ago, I was feeling pretty great (allhamdulillah). I decided to dress up a little, so I wearing these red, high-waisted pants that my mom had originally bought for my brother (she altered them so they were slimmer as they went down and I could tuck them into my boots), a black, long sleeved blouse with leather lining the sleeves and collar, and black combat boots. It was a tough female kind of look, I’d say. I was just going for some artistic expression so I contrasted the tough/masculine outfit with some eyeliner (which I rarely ever wear to school, only for days I need to dress up).
Anyway, in one of my classes, I got up to throw something away and I heard someone go, “Aye. Aye!” I turned and it was this flirtatious guy, J, who was grinning at me with that (that)smile before he gestured towards my outfit and gave a thumbs up.
Now, as a Muslim girl who takes observing her modesty very seriously, this (surprisingly) didn’t bother me much. Not because his comment was gratifying, but because I’ve known him for four years and I’ve observed the way he is and naturally, this guy is just a flirt.
Guys like that don’t mean anything by their compliments. I don’t mean to say that his compliment was insincere. He may have been being honest, but he a compliment like that doesn’t indicate any feelings or interest. I don’t think it matters, thought. What matters is how you as a girl react to it.
My advice in situations like that would be just to say thank you and move on. Don’t think it’s a sign of his interest or anything. This isn’t true of all guys, but a lot of guys just enjoy the chase and having a good time. Don’t do anything to indicate that you’re “easy” because a lot of guys are opportunists and will pounce on that and pursue you just to get that one thing (I think we know what it is).
As a Muslimah, gurllll, don’t trip. As long as you observe your modesty, you’re not accountable for how other people react. The outfit I was wearing is something I’d be comfortable wearing to the masjid. I can’t really control if a guy thinks I look good, and it’s not a sin to be complimented by a guy. I have close friends who wear the hijab who still get complimented and flirted with.
What does matter is that you just conduct yourself as a reasonable girl who doesn’t easily get swayed by these paltry attempts of flirtation. The thing that most girls don’t realize that guys just KNOW is that girls are totally in control. They have the upper hand. So freaking act like you know it too.
The Players (Moderate)
These boys are those who commit to relationships but quickly break up with girls and move on to others. In a lot of cases, God has done very well with this particular specimen of male attractiveness. He’s. Just. So. Fine. And that’s really a good part of why he has girls lined up waiting for him. But the other part is personality.
I know Wattpad completely romanticizes players but in real life, they’re never that obvious. If they are, they’re called manwhores, not players. No, see, players are deadly. They all work with an angle that’s effectively masked by their good looks and good guy persona.
Some boys work with the “I just go through so many girls because I’m lonely” angle. All you gotta be like is “SWERVE, BRUH, because you can compensate for loneliness without getting into a girl’s pants.” Other boys work from the “I’m not a player, I’m just searching for a girl and I can’t find her but when I do, Imma give her my everything.” AHA, swerve.
Bottom line, a lot of people are blinded by this kind of guy and don’t realize how replicable girls are for him. Don’t fall into the trap. It doesn’t matter why he goes from girl to go. What matters is what inside of him justifies that it’s okay to do that. Girls go for the reasons without realizing that it’s about a guy’s mindset and how he views relationships and what he thinks is right, not just about “Oh, that’s such a valid reason, let me try to fix him and turn this bad boy good.” Honey, you’re a woman, not a psychologist or apologetic for someone else’s life decisions.
The Manwhores (Intermediate)
OH MY GOD JUST STEER CLEAR OF THESE BOYS 0/10 WOULD NOT RECOMMEND. Don’t. Just don’t do it. Don’t talk to this guy too much, don’t associate with him too much, don’t let anyone know your opinion about this guy (good or bad). Boys like these are blatantly proud and honest about the fact that they go through girls this quickly with obviously no regard to any decency or respect (although these girls need to be taught a lesson in self-respect, but that’s a lesson for another day).
When I say they have no decency or respect, I mean that your reputation and your honor mean nothing to them. Even if you’re a girl who’s “not like that,” they may make a dirty joke involving you and BOOM now everyone thinks you’re the latest prospect.
The thing is, these boys aren’t all despicable human beings. I’m friends with one of them (more about him later). I’ve heard him talk to his “bros” before and it’s almost sickening how little he cares about a girl’s feelings. He just wants to get some and then leave. The problem that we run into here is the gender conflict. Girls are just naturally inclined to care. We just do. We’re empathetic. We love. And we love hard. In situations like these, you can’t just “give it to him” in hopes that somehow that love will be what keeps him around, convinces him and changes him. I’m not saying boys are heartless. I’m just saying that they work differently, especially boys who are manwhores.
These boys just can’t think about the effects of their actions in depth. They have no capacity for accountability. And that’s what will keep these boys boys forever. They won’t ever become men, because men take accountability for what they do. And as a girl becoming a woman, you should take accountability for what you do and search for that mutual accountability in a relationship with the man of yo choice.
So there ya have it, y’all. The three basic types of women wooers. These guys can make great friends, weirdly. I have some guy friends like this, but our friendship only works because I’ve established myself as a self-respecting woman who won’t go for boys like them and the quickies they have to offer (I apologize if that’s a bit blunt).
The thing about boys like these is that 99% of them aren’t intimidating. You don’t need to skirt around them. You just need to make your values and morals very clear. Boys aren’t stupid in this regard. They go for those girls who are insecure and don’t know themselves and have loose morals and values. Why would they not? Girls like that are easy. These kinds of boys want girls who are easy. And with things that are easy, you get bored and drop them quickly. You, on the other hand, can be a rare first-edition if you just hold strong, unwavering values and conduct around boys like these. And a boy will instantly recognize that, trust me.
The scary and beautiful part is that you can choose how boys like these view you. Easy or rare first-edition. You pick, boo.
