SOBER IN THE CITY

Cry Me a River

December 20th at 8:34PM by Sara [387 comments]

After Tristan hung up on me, I'd immediately called him back, but it had gone straight to voicemail. I knew this meant that he'd turned off his phone. And even though I knew in my heart I couldn't get through to him, I continued to call over and over again, leaving blubbering messages begging him to call me back.

In between phone call number thirteen and fourteen, it dawned on me that I had no idea how to deal with this situation myself. So, without stopping to think of what time it was (a little after 3am I came to find out) and whether it was polite to wake her up, I dialed Thandi's number.

She picked up on the third ring.

"Sara?" she asked sounding groggy. I briefly wondered how she knew it was me, whether it was some sort of special sponsor/sponsee connection that gave her a feeling I was the one on the other end of the line, but as the fog began to clear from my brain, I realized that my number was probably programmed into her phone. Either that or she'd memorized my number after nearly eight months of me calling her every day to check in. "Is everything okay?"

"Nothing's okay, Thandi!" I answered hysterically, the tears starting up again. "Tristan's relapsing. Right now. I need to get him to stop and I don't know what to do."

"Whoa, slow down, Sar," she said, sounding more alert now, but retaining her usual calm demeanor. "Start from the beginning. Tell me what's going on."

How could she be so calm? Didn't she know that we were wasting time sitting here chatting on the phone and that the longer I spent rehashing the past, the drunker Tristan was getting? I began to explain this to her, but knew that she'd just make me tell her the whole story eventually, so I launched into it rather than waste even more time arguing.

"Tristan wasn't responding to any of my texts all night, and then, about an hour ago, he called me and he was slurring his words and hanging around at some bar with some drunk girl and he said that he doesn't want to be sober anymore. And then he basically said that our relationship sucks! Or that he thinks being with me sucks. I'm still not exactly sure about that part, but something sucks! So, I told him to stop drinking and come home, and he hung up on me! And now he's turned off his phone and I don't know where he is or how to help him. Please, Thandi, tell me what to do."

Thandi was quiet and for a moment I thought maybe she'd fallen back asleep. But then she took a deep breath before beginning to speak.

"Okay, first thing's first. Are you alright?" she asked.

"Didn't you just hear me? Tristan's drinking—"

"I heard you and I understand it's upsetting, but are you okay?" she asked me carefully. "I get that you're worried and this is probably going to change things between the two of you, but right now, in this moment are you okay?"

"I know what you're trying to say, but—" I said, getting annoyed that she didn't seem to be grasping the gravity of the situation.

"No, Sara, you don't. Right now, you've got a roof over your head, you're alive and you're sober," Thandi explained. "You aren't the one who's sitting at a bar, getting sloshed with strangers, doing things that you're going to regret in the morning."

My stomach turned as I thought of the drunk girl who was currently keeping Tristan company. Had they already left the bar together? I fought back the urge to get sick.

"Sweetie, it sucks beyond belief when people relapse. It's hard to watch people who know there's a solution decide not to take it. But what you're going to learn as you get a little more time is that there's nothing any of us can do to keep anyone else sober. Even as your sponsor, I'm not enough to keep you sober. All I can do is show you the solution and hope you take it."