Dear Jacky

4/26

Dear Jacky,

It's been about a two years since you thought you didn't belong here. I'm still mad that you felt the need to end it all. Well, let me reword that. I'm not mad, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated because I will never know why you did it. I will never understand why I was enough for you. You didn't leave me any clues except the expression on your face in the blood in the bath that surrounded your body. You could've talk to me. You could've talk to Ally or Paul! You could've talk to anyone, Jack! Anyone. But you didn't.

It was such a selfish thing to do. You lied to everyone. You tell us you're okay. You put on a fake smile and pushed out fake laughs. You forced fake love. Why don't you just tell me? Why didn't you think? All you had to do was put the blade down. All you had to do was talk to me. I would've left school right then and there and hold you until your demons Let go. And I know you. I know what you would've said. I know you would've screamer at your demons for causing you so much pain. Jacky, you acted like you were alone. You acted like no one fucking cared. But we did, Jack! We all fucking good! Even your asshole of a father cared about you. He acted like he didn't but you should've seen what he did when I told him. You should've heard what he said at your funeral. Everyone was in hysterics, jack. Everyone. Ally locked herself in her room for two days. Knowing to get her. When she came out, I nearly threw up because she was a body. She was pale. Her eyes were droopy. Paul cried too. Did you know that? Everyone died with you. You were selfish and a liar. You only care about your feelings. You were stupid. You really didn't think of anyone would care about you? Everyone cared! If you weren't so stupid, I wouldn't have to be writing you this. I wouldn't be having to sending a tear stained letter off tied to a balloon, hoping it'll get to you somehow. I would be holding you keeping you warm. I wouldn't be so mad at you. I wouldn't want to punch a wall or to sell my eyes out when I think of you. And I think of you every day. Every time I record a video. You broke everyone when you decided you don't belong here.

Do you know Paul and I aren't friends more? After you died, he met this girl, and she kind of took over his life. Ally broke up with him because she had the superstition that he was cheating on her. He may have stabbed me in the back, but he would never cheat. Paul doesn't seem to care about anyone anymore. If you were here, you would have been able to talk some sense into him. We really depended on you. Ally and I don't talk much either. We'll see each other a lot, but we hardly have a real conversation. We see each other in the halls at school and we'll smile each other. Sometimes will see each other at your house and will take turns imagining what it would be like if you were still here. Or at least that's what I do when I'm in your room. I like to pretend I'm watching you sing and dance the goofy way you did. It always get a giggle out of me. But your mom is doing a bit better. She keeps talking about moving out of Maryland and getting a fresh start. Every day I manage to convince her out of it. If she moves, everything would be so different. Your room will be cleaned and given to another little boy or a girl. The dining table we first met that would disappear. Every memory we've ever had with about away and be replaced with new ones made by a new couple. I would even let her sell it to 5SOS.

Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you! 5SOS finally noticed me on Twitter. They DM'd and everything. We had a whole conversation about you. I'll be honest when I say that I couldn't stop crying. I hope you didn't notice, though. That would be super embarrassing. But I had a conversation with all of them. I told Michael you wanted to marry him and he said that he started crying. He wants to marry you too, but not as much as I did. They're also doing another cover of Year 3000 for you. I told them you'd love to hear that song with their voices after puberty. They all thought that was funny. I was shaking when they first DM'd me (just like you said I would) but I calmed down after like an hour. I wish you were there. It would've been much more fun and happy. We talked a lot about you, though. Sometimes I asked them about their music. They agreed to do a Skype interview with me for my channel, though! They'll probably think I'm a ten-year-old boy. I mean they went through my Twitter. They saw pictures of you. They all thought you were beautiful.

I miss you, Jacky. Everyone does. Why did you have to do it? Why did you have to and everything so early? Why did you have to shut me out? Why couldn't you have trusted me? I would've helped you. I would've done anything you want. All I wanted was for you to be happy. That's all I fucking wanted! Why could've you just have seen that? InWatch your body be carried away. I noticed how you changed out of my shirt before you got into the bathroom. I noticed how you put one of the pictures I was in facing down. You didn't want me to see. You didn't want me to be there. You wanted nothing of me with you. You even cut off my bracelet after you finished the job. I found it covered in your still warm blood. I was there, Jacklyn. Whether you like it or not. I was there with you. I was in the back of your mind screaming and begging you to stop. To put the blade down. That it wasn't worth it. That it never was worth it. I should've skipped school that day. I should've asked you what was wrong. I should've been there. I'm sorry wasn't. I'm sorry I didn't stay with you. I'm sorry I didn't make you feel like enough. I'm sorry, Jacky. I'm so sorry.

Love, 

Danny