Dear Jacky

5/9

Dear Jacky,

Sammy called me today. He made the basketball team! He wishes you were able to go watch him. He's always telling me about how he wishes you were there. He's only ten but he knows what's what. He's a good kid. I hope he gets to grow up and know that you were good too. You were just a bit broken. He's really protective of Carrie. Apparently some girls were being mean to her. He saw her crying in the bathroom. It's awful. She's so young and already getting bullied. He said they were making fun of her hair and kept saying things like how you killed yourself because of her. She didn't believe them though. She told them you just left on vacation for a little. That you were going to be back soon. Sammy told me that she asked if you responded to any of my letters. He told her that you called me instead. He told her that you'd call her soon. He's sweet, Jack. He really is. He's always trying to help Carrie. She misses you so much. So so much. He tells me about David. Apparently David has gotten a lot better about acting like he cared about you. He did, though. With what he said at your funeral, everyone knew he did what he could to provide for you. I don't know why you didn't just let him in. I get it, people make mistakes, but he tried to fix his mistake. He might not have tried hard enough but he tried. He divorced Whitney. Carrie called me practically screaming with happiness when David told her. She was so happy about it. Apparently Whitney was mentally abusive to Carrie. I hate that. She's too young for that. She's too young for everything she's going through. I'm actually going up to see him and Sammy and all of them. I haven't seen them since your funeral. God, I miss them.

Your mom is dating someone. Yeah, she invited me to dinner with him. He's pretty cool. He's good for her. He's nice and caring. She introduced me as her son-in-law. I kinda laughed and kinda choked when she said that. When he asked about you, she looked at me and smiled. "They could've been something amazing." she said. I saw you in her that night. It made me smile -- the thought of her thinking we would've gotten married. She had the same idea. She had to excuse herself at the moment. She didn't go to the bathroom though. She went to your room. I heard her talking to you. Did you talk back? I wish you would've. I had to make a conversation with her date so he wouldn't think she's crazy. He asked me about you, and I myself almost had to excuse myself. I told him that you were a sensitive topic for all of us. For everyone who knew you. He respected that. He understood. He didn't push on at all. We started a whole conversation after that. I found out he owns his own restaurant called Casa de Mateo. Yeah, he's Spanish. Like actually Spanish. His dad was from Spain. His name is Matthew. He really is good for your mom. He offered to take us both to his restaurant one day. Your mom offered me to spend the night that night. I told her no because the last time I spent the night here, you were here. She told me she understood and she asked me to visit tomorrow. She's better, Jack. I promise. I'm watching out for her.

Ally stopped coming. She doesn't contact your mom anymore either. School ended awhile ago. We both graduated. Last time I checked, she got a new boyfriend. I can't remember if i already told you all of this or not. I saw her at graduation though. She acted like she didn't even know me at first. Then she came up to me later. We talked for about five minutes before her friends called her away. She befriended the people that used to hurt you. She practically betrayed you. Now she's just like them. I'm not sure what college she goes to now. I just do online school. You were right, it's a lot easier to deal with than regular school. I kinda wish that Ally and me were still friends. I really wish she wasn't the person she is today. And Paul, oh my god. Paul totally changed. When people ask him about you, especially on twitter or in videos, he hardly changes emotions. God, I hate how he's changed. He shows off his body so much and it honestly disgusts me. He's fake now, Jacky. I bet if you were here, he wouldn't be like this. We would all still be best friends. It's crazy how one person can completely change a friendship.

I didn't really want to tell you this, but I feel you should know. Some girl, I met her at the market. She's been really sweet to me. I know I shouldn't worry about your feelings anymore, considering you're dead and stuff, but I always will. I'm not ready to move on. Your mother tells me it's time to. I mean, it has been two years, but you were my world. When you died, my world disappeared. But she's cute. She really is. She's small with platinum blonde waves in her hair. She has orange eyes that look like balls of fire. And she has a lovely voice. Why did I write lovely? She's changing me, Jack. We've been texting a decent amount; we're meeting up soon. I don't know how to feel about that. I just want to hold you. Only you. Not any other girl. I know it sounds like I'm interested in her, but I'm not. I'm only interested in you, Babe. God. It's been so long since I've said that. Or wrote it in this case. I don't know. I don't seem to know anything anymore. I don't know why. A year ago, I hardly ever smiled. But now, I always seem to be smiling except for when I'm writing to you. That sounds terrible to say but it's the truth. I only seem to be sad or not happy when I'm writing to you or thinking about you. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I could be happy and think about you. I wish I could be happy and talk about you. People say that time heals or that it gets better with time, but does it really? I mean, it doesn't really feel like it. It doesn't really feel like it. I think that's the case if you didn't feel much to begin with. I don't know. I'm just kinda hoping something will get better. Maybe I'll start knowing more.

Love,

Danny