Dear Jacky

6/3

Dear Jacky, 

I'm sorry. I don't really know what else to say rather than sorry. I'm with Sammy and Carrie. Sammy hugged me when he saw me. But he didn't hug me because he was happy to see me. He was hugging me because he was crying. The boy was crying, Jacklyn. He was crying because he misses you. He told me he didn't want to let go of me because I was the closest thing he had to you. He only knew you for a few months and still felt this way, Jacky. He knew you for a few weeks, actually. And he didn't want to let go of me because I was the closest thing he had to you. I hope that breaks your heart. I hope you regret everything you did. Oh! And Carrie, don't even get me started on Carrie. She thought you were going to come visit with me. I had to tell her, Jack. I had to. I couldn't let her just keep thinking everything was going to be okay and back to normal when you never came back. I couldn't let her brain think that you were still here. It was destroying her. It was destroying me. It was destroying all of us. Everything was hurting us. I told her, though. And she didn't believe me. She kept her happy little smile and refused. But then my emotions starting coming out and Sammy's just got worse. When Carrie noticed both of us crying, she got scared. She didn't want to believe it. She ran to David. David began crying. We were all a broken mess. Carrie finally realised we weren't lying. She didn't say anything at all. She just left us and locked herself in her room. I've been here for about nine days now and I've only seen her about once or twice since the first day. She hardly ever leaves her room. She didn't want to know the truth. She really didn't. When I saw her yesterday, she looked like a ghost. She didn't speak. She didn't make a noise. She showed absolutely no emotion. For a little girl, she took it a lot better than I did, or any of us did. She actually came out of her room. She actually ate. None of us did any of that. We kinda just trudged against our own force. We didn't eat or sleep or anything. Well, I didn't at least. At least Carrie got up and moved around and brushed her hair and kept herself healthy. 

I was going to write earlier. I really was. I've just been so caught up in catching up with David and Sammy and attempting to catch up with Carrie. David is okay now. Well, as okay as one can be after his daughter who hated him committed suicide two years ago. We went to a bar. Well, not a bar. A restaurant with a  bar inside of it. I just wanted to seem cool. Look at that. Even after you died, I'm still trying to impress you. Anyway, it was David, Sammy, Carrie surprisingly, and myself. Carrie and Sammy went to play games, and David and me just talked. We talked about what I've been doing lately and how everything was going. I told him I was writing to you. I figured he would've thought I was crazy but he didn't. He told me that it was a good idea. That if it helps me get through everything then I should keep going. I tried to argue with him about it, though. Two years? It's kind of a long time for someone to be stuck up on a dead girl. I mean, realistically, that's all you are. Just a dead girl. I want to tell you your more. I want to tell you you're a beautiful person with silky flowing hair and beaming eyes, but you're not. You're not any of that. You're just a dead girl. That's all. And I understand that. David knows I understand that. I don't know why he thought it was healthy for me to keep writing to you. It's not. It's not at all. But we're getting off topic. David. He was telling me how when one of his friends died, he sorta just acted like they never existed. I laughed at that. I really did laugh. I honestly thought that was hilarious. If he thought that I was just going to act like you never existed, then he should be a comedian. I could never do that. You literally created my world. And then you destroyed it by destroying yourself. But we're not talking about that right now. He kept giving me really bad examples and ways to try to get my mind off of you, but I nodded and smiled because it was a nice gesture. It really was. He was just trying to make me feel better. 

After we came back from the restaurant, I went into Carrie's room. I was hoping she would talk to me. She didn't. She just stared at her stuffed animal. I talked to her, though. I don't think she really listened, but just being able to talk to someone verbally was nice. You know, about things other than you. I just talked about everyday things. I would ask her questions too. I knew she wasn't going to respond but it was nice to believe. I would ask her how her friends were. How her stuffed animals were. I asked her if she saw Whitney recently. I did get somewhat of an answer out of that question. She kind of winced a little at it. I forgot how Whitney had treated her. I swear, Jack, she's just like you. She's going to be just like you and that's what I'm most terrified of. What if she is like you? This family can't take another death. They really can't. They're still trying to heal. Hell, I'm not even near healing. My wounds are still open, still bleeding. But them, your family, they're almost healed. They scabbed over. They just need to leave the scab alone. Well, all except Carrie. She's open and bleeding just like me. I think that's why she let me talk. Because she knows. She's so much smarter than she seems. She's just optimistic. That's all. She always hopes and believes the best. That's who she is. But she's in a rough spot right now. She doesn't know how to feel except sad. I can tell she's confused too. She just doesn't know what to do, Jack. She doesn't. And I hate that. I hate it. No little girl deserves to feel this pain. None. I swear, the love she had for you was enough to save thousands of people, but you just refused to let it save you. And I'm still wondering why. I'm still wondering.

Love,

Danny