Dear Jacky

7/2

Dear Jacky,

I forgot to fix Carrie's letter until two days ago. I didn't even open it until two days ago. I'm home now. I saw Ally. When I got home I showered and stuff and then went over to your house. Ally was there. She was just in your room sitting against the wall. I kinda felt bad for her. My heart ached for her. She seemed so alone and upset. She hadn't stopped by in ages. In all honesty, I missed her. I sat across from her on the other side of your room. She didn't say anything for a few minutes. She just sat there with her head in her between her legs. It was an uncomfortable silence when she spoke up. She specifically said, "Go ahead. Tell me how terrible of a person I am." My heart literally broke at the sound of how honest and sincere she sounded when she said that. She actually thought she was a terrible person. She didn't understand that I got it. She moved on. She still loved you just as much as she did before but she got over it. She needed to forget about you. I get it. That doesn't make her a terrible person. It makes her a human. And I told her that. I explained how it was okay to move on. She looked up from the ground and her tear stained face said everything she was thinking. I told her that this is what you would've wanted. You would've wanted for her to get a new best friend. To be as happy as she could be. She didn't listen to me, though. I could tell. She started crying again. Not that he ever stopped. But it got worse. She began sobbing. I felt awful. I even walked over to her side of your room and sat next to her. I hugged her tight. I knew she had some broken pieces and I felt the need to squeeze them back together since you weren't here. Then I remembered the package you left for her. I carefully got up, I was so afraid she was going to crumble at any given moment, and walked over to your nightstand. I opened the drawer and grabbed the envelope. I passed it to her and told her that you left it for her. She looked at me really confused. Her makeup was everywhere, but she opened it. I was actually quite curious to see what you put in there, Jacky. I was curious as to see what you left her and not me. I didn't pry. I let her open it calmly. She looked inside and got confused. I looked at her confused. She pulled out a card. At first I was about to scream, "it's just a card?" but then she opened it. You had poured your heart and soul onto that card. I know you didn't want me reading it, so I didn't. I respected your thoughts and your friendships. I looked away, and then back at Ally's face. Her response to your card looked almost like confusion. But then she laughed. Tears fell from her eyes, but she was smiling. She was happy. 

She looked over at me with a smile across her face. Tears continuing to race down her cheeks. She held the letter up and laughed out loud. I asked her what the letter said. What was in it that made it so funny? She didn't tell me, though. Instead, she continued to laughed and smiled. I grabbed her by her shoulders and shook her. I yelled at her, begging her to tell me what was so funny. But she just kept laughing. I honestly thought that card had made her go insane. It had pushed her mentality over the edge and she had lost it. But then she stopped laughing. She wiped the tears from her eyes and looked at me. She told that it was about everything. It was just memories you and her had shared. Memories of everything. Of you guys watching EP's videos, and constantly listening to our cover of Chasing Cars. She told me that you wrote about me, and that if we were still friends, to constantly remind me that it wasn't my fault and that you love me. Tears found their way to my eyes when she told me that. I was trying so hard not to cry in front of her because she needed someone to be strong for her. She needed someone to remind her that everything would be okay. She needed me to be there for her. Paul should've been, but he wasn't. He was out probably spreading rumours about her. He's such an ass. I begged her to let me read it. When I did, I kinda wish I didn't. It brought back so many memories. So much love and happiness. Every time I used to think of you, I'd mainly only focus on the times we got in arguments, or when I wouldn't be able to find you. But that letter had made my brain switch sides. I thought of all the sad times in your past. Our past. And thought about how they ended. We would get over our argument. I would always find you in the end. Even the day you died. I still found you. But that same day, I wish I hadn't have been the one to find you. Every day was like a day without breathing. My lungs would hurt. My brain would ache from crying so much. My body would burn as I trembled from hyperventilating. My eyes would get tired of trying to stay awake to keep thinking about you. It would drive me crazy, and I would get sick all the time. I developed an eating disorder. I developed paranoia for everything and everyone. It was the most painful experience.

Jack, you used to drive me crazy. Well, let me reword that. You drive me crazy. Even to do this day. Just the thought of you can either make me laugh or break down in tears. No matter what I would do. I could be in class, and just break down. Back when I even would be in a class. I'm still surprised that I even started going to college. I might go to an actual school soon. Wouldn't that be weird? Seeing me? At an actual college? With other kids? That would be a trip. I would probably trip now that I think of it. That would be embarrassing. My face would get all red, and if you were there you would call it adorable. I would call your laugh adorable, and we'd both be blushing, and it would be adorable. You would start panicking because you'd be late to class, and we'd run to get to your class on time. I would reassure you that you'd do great in that class, and kiss your forehead. I'd watch you take a deep breath and nod and run in. These are just the small things I like to imagine when I can't sleep. Just the little things. Just the Jacky things.

Love,

Danny