Dear Jacky

5/18

Dear Jacky,

It's been nine days. I'm trying to take the advice your mom gave me. You know, to not write to you. To try to get you out of my mind for a few days. It didn't work. I couldn't stop thinking about you. Every second of every day. You were always one my mind. You wouldn't leave. You wouldn't disappear. You were always just there. You always found your way out of my mouth or into my thoughts. You made me think about you all day and dream about you all night. You knew didn't you? You knew she told me to try not to think about you. You knew she was trying to make me feel better. You knew it all. I wish you could just respond somehow. Somehow. I just wish I could get some sort of sign that you're reading these. Maybe I could get a sign that you're still around. You know? Watching over me and stuff. I wish I could see you one more time. Just one more time. That's all. I just want to be able to physically tell you how much I care about you and how much I miss you and everything. I just want to be able to give you a hug one more time. To kiss you one more time. To tell you I love you one more time. I just want to be able to give you the world one more time. But I can't. Because you're dead. And you're never coming back. No matter how much I wish. Pray. Hope. No matter how many times we tell Carrie. You're gone. You've left for good. You're dead. You killed yourself. You slit your wrists and died in a bathtub of blood. You're gone. Forever.

Someone has to tell Carrie eventually. She'll find out. That shouldn't happen. She shouldn't find out that her sister killed herself. Thats not okay. Someone needs to tell her. She'll be broken but it has to happen. I'm going to tell her when I go up and visit. She's going to be heartbroken. She's going to be destroyed. You caused her pain. The bullying and self hate for her will be worse. Now that I think of it, she's kind of like you. She's growing up to be just like you. Maybe somebody will be able to save her before she does anything stupid like you did. Or maybe she just won't be stupid. She's smart, Jack. She'll know better. She won't just go and end it all. She'll be smart enough to notice when enough is enough. She'll stop before something gets out of hand. She won't let everything get out of hand. She'll go to someone. Maybe it'll be me. Or Sammy. Or maybe David. Or maybe she'll have a best friend or boyfriend she can go to. Maybe she wont even need to go to a boyfriend. Maybe she'll be okay. She might be nothing like you. She might be able to stand up for herself like you weren't able to. She might be able to tell the voices to leave and keep them out. She has people that care about her and she knows that. She knows people care about her. We show her everyday. Everyone in this family has someone that cares about them. I'm not even legitimately in this family and I know. Sure, sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this world, but then I always feel loved when I remember that I have your family.

Sometimes I feel like you're right behind me. Like right now for instance. I feel like you're right behind me, reading over my shoulder. Maybe if I write a joke, I'll hear your laugh. Hm. What did the wall say to the ceiling? I'll meet you at the corner. Haha! I'm funny. Not really. I think I felt you giggle a little. Is that you? I hope it is. It's nice to imagine you're right behind me again. It's nice to imagine that you're with me again. It's nice to imagine you reading over my shoulder like you used to all the time. I sometimes like to pretend that you're in your room again, writing the script to my next video. I sometimes even call your phone just to hear your voice again. I swear, if someone ever plugged your phone in and unlocked it, they would have to suffer through hours of voicemails of me just talking to absolutely no one. That would be embarrassing. I cry in some of them. A lot of them. I felt you again. You are here! Jack, I miss you so much. Why'd you have to do it? Why'd you have to leave us with nothing? With no explanation or anything? I just don't understand. Didn't you notice how much we loved you. Didn't you notice how much we all cared about you. Ally, Paul, and me aren't friends anymore because you were the real reason we were friends. You were the real reason that we stuck together. You were the reason everyone was who they were. Where'd you go? Did you leave? You did. Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you leave. I just miss you. I'm sorry.

I didn't get a chance to tell you, though. Matthew? Your mom's new boyfriend, he's a really good chef. I went to Casa De Mateo last night and wow! It's amazing. There's some Spanish food but there's a lot of every food. He actually does this thing on the menu where it's categorised by country. I was craving some Italian last night (probably because your favourite food was noodles) and oh my god! You would love this place. It sucks that you're not here to try it. Matthew noticed I wasn't how I was when I first met him. When he asked if I was okay, I told him I hadn't written to you in a few days. He still doesn't know the truth. He told me to give you some time, that you'll come around. I didn't really feel like explaining that I write letters to a dead girl who was the love of my life and I can't seem to get off my mind. Not even after two years. I wasn't really in the mood for all the sorrow and the pity and the slightly crazy looks. When I told your mom I started writing them, she cried and then looked at me kind of crazy. I get it though. I am crazy. I mean, I just wrote a whole paragraph talking to you out of complete hope that maybe you were right behind me reading over my shoulder. I am crazy. I'm crazy for not stopping this I'm crazy for not being able to get you off my mind. I'm crazy about you, Jacky. I'm still crazy about you. And I'm scared that I'll always be crazy about you. Screw scared. I'm terrified.

Love, 

Danny