Dear Jacky

8/6

Dear Jacky,

I've been getting better figuring out life without you. I mean, if you're still in this world, you know how it is. It's still messy. It's still tragic. It's still heartbreaking without you. Everyday without you is like living life not knowing what pudding tastes like, or not knowing what pizza is. It's a life of not knowing. And sometimes the not knowing hurts. It hurts because I'll never know what your life would be like if you were still here. I can imagine, but it's not the same. It's not even hurting. It's just a constant ache that I don't know will leave. I want to believe it will, but I also hope it never does. I want to be reminded that you were here at one point. I want to remember that you were mine and no one else's. My Jacky. My Jacklyn that I wasn't about to share. But I guess someone in another universe won that battle. I wasn't strong enough. I didn't show you how much I actually loved you. I tried, but trying wasn't enough. But it's okay. I'm still learning. I'm getting there. You and I both know I'm a slow learner. I don't listen to sad music that much anymore. I've gone back to dealing with real world problems. I've stopped texting your phone. You're mom has officially stopped paying the bill on it anyway. I was just always hoping that I might get a response. I got mad when she stopped paying. I offered to pay, but she calmed me down. She drove me back home. She kept telling me how much she missed you. She kept telling me how much everyone misses you. How almost everything reminds her of you. How she didn't appreciate you as much as she should've. When she started crying, I told her to pull over. I almost lost it when she started crying. I hadn't seen her cry since the month you died. I got out of the car and hugged her. I hugged her as tight as I could. I told her how it wasn't one of your hugs, but it was as close as I could get. I wish you were there to hug her. She really needed one of your hugs. She kept telling me how strong I was. How if she were me, she would've killed herself that night. She told me how lucky you were to have me. That's when I smiled. I pulled away from the hug, and just stared at her. I told her how you weren't the lucky one. I was. I was in a messed up state of mind when I met you. You fixed me. And I fixed you, for a brief few months. But I'm trying to get over it, remember? Well, that's a harsh way of saying it. I'm trying to forget the bad times. I'm trying to move on enough to the point where I'm living rather than just surviving. Key word: trying.

Did I tell you I got a job? Well, I did! It's not much, but it's enough so I can afford my own apartment. And remember that girl I met? Well, I saw her again. We've been texting and stuff. I have a date with her soon. And by soon I mean in about an hour. Is it bad that I'm writing to you before I go on a date? I'm writing to my dead girlfriend before I go on a date with I girl I hope to be my girlfriend one day. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to write that. If I wasn't writing in pen, I would've erased that. I still wish that I could get married to you one day, but it's kinda impossible now. And I've realised that. I'm trying to think of what you would say if you were still here. How you'd look at me with that disappointing look, and you'd just tell me that you want me to be happy. But I was happiest with you. I was happiest when you were happy. Or at least when I thought you were happy. You were always good at acting. If you were still alive, I'd tell you to become an actress. You had everyone fooled. You really did.

Ally and I are friends again. She's actually really excited for my date tonight. I'm so nervous. I see you in Ally everyday. We hangout everyday now. She's become my best friend. Sometimes I can't stand to look at her because I see how much she's changed because of you, but I always think about how happy you'd be if you saw how close we've become. There's days where her and I just sit there, and talk or think about you. It really drives us crazy sometimes. We get so lost in your world that we become invisible to ourselves. She's going crazy, though. She's dating someone new. I've met him. He's pretty cool. He's really funny, but he just doesn't fit with her very well. He doesn't get her jokes. He doesn't get her excited about the things she loves. But he's nice. They're just not the best match. I don't think they're going to last very long. I hate to say that but it's true. Paul has been texting her lately. I think he's finally realising he dropped an amazing girl. Every time he texts her, though, it's like she's reliving the past and she cant control it. She sobs and can't concentrate when he texts her. I fucking hate him. If I ever see him again, I will personally throw an iron at his head.

Well, I have to get ready for my date now. God, I hate saying that. I wish it was with you. But I'm excited... and nervous. Very very nervous. I haven't been on a date in two years. What if I say something stupid? Ugh! I hate thinking. Okay, well I love you. Always.

Love,

Danny