OC Reviews // Mary Sue Destroyer

Gav (D-)

Fandom: original universe made by me (set in a modern day society where humans and demons co-exist on earth peacefully)

Okay so first thing, when creating a complicated OU, make sure that you have the whole universe mapped out- don't start creating rules as you go because you'll forget things and it's easy to be inconsistent. Also, you might want to go into detail on how exactly demons and humans can co-exist peacefully cause that might throw people for a loop since they're.. well, demons

Name: Gav

Okay so I don't know about other people but personally a story can kinda be ruined for me if the main character has a weird name. maybe go for something that flows off the tounf a little nicer? Gav is pretty short and harsh. Maybe have Gav be short for her full name or something?

Age: 400+ human years old (mentality of middle aged woman) (4 demon years old)

erm, you're gonna have to explain how this works especially since 4 isn't necessarily associated with middle aged women? Maybe not do the demon years that might unnecessarily complicated

Gender: cis femaleSpecies: pure demon [subspecies; horned]Birthday: May 30thBirthplace: Buffalo, NY Sexuality: heterosexualEthnicity: as a human, she would probably be black. As a demon, the closest thing she has to ethnicity is being a horned demon.Height: 6'11" (which is short for the average demon, which is 7')

Isn't this a little weird since she ends up marrying a human? Not that it can't happen but it might be a bit strange to picture ya know?

Eye color: redHair color: blackFaceclaim: none (though her voice hc is either Carrie Underwood or Adele, i can't decide)

Maybe make the demons be able to morph into human faces? Again, a half demon/half human baby raises a lot of appearance questions and is frankly kinda weird

Scars/piercings: she does not have scars, but that doesn't mean she wasn't suicidal in the past. Her main method was starvation, which is why she's terrified of going hungry.

Not that you can't use it, but suicidal is used very often. Also, if you're not abusing someone's lived experience nor romanticizing it. 

Likes: If it's girly, Southern themed ?Why? She's not from the south? , or cute, you bet that Gav will probably adore it. Dislikes: As much as Gav loves, she also doesn't like a lot of things. For one, she is extremely wary and uncomfortable around Queen Karazi this is a pretty sounding demon name, I like it, who tormented her and made her feel suicidal because she was in love with a human forbidden love, very cliche- make sure not to make it sue-ish (who is deceased) named Chris. She doesn't like when people take advantage of her kindness okay so you're gonna have to talk more about these demon folk, they're demons but they're nice?? they're from hell but not evil?? and use her as a doormat, nor does she like when people keep pestering her to open up her feelings whenever she's upset and doesn't want to talk about it. She LOATHES when people completely ignore her anxiety disorder and depression again, please be careful with this, don't take advantage of someone's lived experience or romantisize it and act like she's overreacting to a situation. She's extremely sensitive to harassment and prejudice just because she's a demon is this just her? Or all demons? Also, I thought humans and demons existed peacefully? . Friends: honestly pretty much anyone that doesn't act like she's gonna devour their soul ??so demons are evil and she's the exception or what? Enemies: Queen Karazi Boyfriend(s): Riz [former ; alive] , Chris [deceased] Forbidden love who's now deceased? very cliche, be careful with this and make sure you add twists to it that make it your own and please God don't give her some craxy powers to bring him back- major sue alert.Hobbies: knitting, crocheting, shopping, cooking, gardening good hobies, I like thisSocial status: not popular but not a lowly peasant eitherFamily: Jewl [mother; deceased] why does she have a normal name? All the other demons have demon names, Zilx [father; deceased], Chris [husband; deceased], Jack [son; alive] again, can humans and demons even have kids since they don't even have the same phenotypical appearances? I'd suggest you make the demons at least have a human form that they can use on earthBackstory: Gav was born in 1580 from an unexpected labor labor? on Earth. Her mother, Jewl, was studying Earth life to collect for back home I thought demons lived on earth with humans too?. So when Gav was born, she named her daughter after the ancient demonic word for her favorite Earth item: a flower. Gav was raised to be kind to all who met her she's a demon from hell though? , even if they didn't return her kindness. This has eventually transformed her into one of her main morals. It was around 1708 that Gav realized she had an attraction to humans. Unfortunately, around that time was what demons call The Hunting Era; humans seeked out demons to kill as if they were animals so do they now live peacefully? . She had to keep her attraction to a minimum to avoid penalty. Fast forward a couple hundred years, and Gav has met Chris I'd seriously suggest making her look human, they're no way some random guy is into some scary looking, 6'11 red-eyed demon. They'd met in a coffee shop after Gav had gotten bad anxiety because of hearing Karazi's name on the news. Chris got her back on her feet and even let her visit his house if it ever happened again erm? kinda cliche and sue-ish ngl. Gav was dating Riz at the time, so she had to choose between him and Chris love triangle? very very cliche and sure-ish. Eventually, she did choose Chris with the terrible consequence of Riz and her breaking up terrible consequences? that's kind of a given?, and gave Karazi a new target to harass so out of all the hundreds of thousands of demons the demon queen just happens to hate Gav? I'd either change this to a state sanctioned attack of demon/human relationships or just not have it at all and pick apart bit by bit. When she and Chris got married, Karazi used this opportunity to use her in some of her speeches in vague form not plausible at all, one random demon marries a human and the demon queen mentions her in a speech? very sue ish. This boosted Gav's anxiety and made her somewhat regret marrying Chris (even though honestly she loved him more than she loved Riz). Unfortunately, even though she was married to the one she loved, Gav still felt awful. She starved herself constantly, only eating when Chris pestered her to. It was around here that a demon named Yika I like the name offered her to join the rebellion against Queen Karazi. She hesitantly joined, thinking Karazi's reign could possibly end. Chris joined with her so Gav didn't hurt herself careful with romantisizing mental illnessYika brought Gav up to proper health by feeding her and making sure she didn't skip any meals. It took six months to bring Gav back to being healthy. After about a year of being healthy, Gav got sick of seeing her friends dying so she quit the Rebellion and went to live on her own in the woods um? wouldn't she want to keep fighting so that no one will die anymore?. As of right now she doesn't know if Chris is even alive or not this doesn't make any sense? Why wouldn't she be with chris?? where is jack? has he not been born yet?Whenever Gav visited her old demon friends back home, Karazi always broke in to "discuss important matters" with Gav this makes no sense at all, again out of the hundreds of thousands of demons the queen just randomly drops in to see gav while she's with them?. "Important matters" was always Karazi threatening her to divorce Chris or she'll get rid of him herself It's not plausible that she's either a- the only demon who married a human or b-that the queen had a very specific vendetta on gav. If you're set on that I'd give some back story as to how the queen even started hating her, maybe they went to school together? That's still not very plausible and very cliche though. Along with that was a spew of negative comments, calling Gav a "disgusting swine" and "an excuse of a demon". After that, Gav left Hell and never came back. She skipped reunions and family gatherings just so Karazi doesn't hurt her again. Around 2003, Gav's home was invaded by an anti-demon group out to "purity" the town by clearing it of any demons. Chris defended her and her son Jack by taking their bullets and dying for them. very very very cliche After he died, she and Jack moved to Valley Springs, Ohio, a town mostly populated by demons, believing the presence of her species would calm herself.

Overall: 

Originality: 4/10

You have an interesting idea for an original universe but most of your plot points are overused and incredibly cliche. Also, please please be careful to not romanticize mental illness- I see that so often on wattpad and the portrayal of the mental illness is rarely authentic. 

Interest: 5/10 

An interesting precedent of a world where demons and human coexist, but again very overused plot points. 

Mary Sue: Unfortunately, yes and very much so. I think your character has potential though so don't give up on her. 

Grade: D-