Jakkals Camp

Chapter 8

•Michael•

"I hope there's dessert" it rings over and over in my head as I walk into the hall in front of Jana...how stupid could I be? Jana wasn't even interested in me and here I was whispering stupid little nothings in her ear. It was idiotic, I could get fired. But the thing was, I just couldn't help myself. When her arm had bumped mine, a warm tingle swept over me. It had turned my brain into mush and I had whispered the first thing that came to mind. Of course the first thing that came up had to be an innuendo... I shook my head slightly and glanced back at the woman who had caused my whole mind confusion. She walked behind me. Her eyes glued to the floor but her shoulders upright. Walking straight and her posture perfect as she gazed downward. The perfect princess, cool and collected.

And then I glanced around the now half full mess hall. My gaze fell upon the pink Vienna sausages that the girls would have to have in their rolls. I don't mind normal sausages but the luminous, slimy Vienna's gave me the heebiejeebies. I shuddered, at least we got better food than the poor kids, they would have to eat the...nope I'm finished, I turned holding back a gag and walked into the kitchen to fetch my lunch. I sighed in relief as I smelled the familiar scent of roast chicken and then served myself a plate of the bird with chips on the side, and walked out to the facilitators table. Sitting I studied the faces of my friends, noting each of their special, unique personalities and my memories with them, my mind went back to the time Jana and I had done the team dynamics exercises together...then to when Mielies and I had first met, Lisa's struggles with the team dynamics and how she'd gotten so frustrated and I'd calmed her down, even Elise was starting to get better. Their confused faces gazed back. Unaware of me searching through the memories we had together. Jana was helping the kitchen staff dish up food, she seemed to be talking in particular to one lady, she was small and looked quite shy but she and Jana were getting along really well. The line of girls slowed down and eventually came to an end and Jana gave the woman a hug before popping into the kitchen and serving herself food, she came out of the kitchen with her plate balanced on one palm. As she passed the girls food she paused and then turned her back to me, effectively blocking me from seeing what she was doing. I craned my neck, straining to see what she was doing. She turned, starting forward then looked at me, leaning to the side, neck bent and looking at her. Jana raised an eyebrow at my precarious position and then strutted forward sitting down across from me, Mielie and Lisa sat with her on the bench. On my right sat Bongi, on the left...obviously Elise was next me...I looked into her eyes, searching them for any bad intentions right now her eyes were empty of them, she smiled at me...I looked down, to find a...oh lord, a pink Vienna sausage on my plate of food. I couldn't. My stomach rolled, if you think there's such thing as butterflies, my stomach was filled with birds flapping around and I couldn't help myself. I gagged. Jana picked up the Vienna and threw the slimy, wobbly thing at me. This time I stood up, holding back the vomit that threatened to rise...

The whole table was laughing at my green face, suddenly they realized I was going to be sick. They jumped up and dodged backwards I ran to the bathroom. One hand over my mouth the other on my sick  stomach. The bathroom door slammed shut behind me as knelt by the toilet, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet. As stand up and wash my mouth out at the sink I hear a laugh tinkle like bells on the other side of the door. "Mikey, are you okay?" It's Jana, her voice filled with silent laughter, "I didn't mean for you to get sick, I'm sorry..." I can hear she's not. I keep silent, she pushes the door open, her head peaking through. Now I see her eyes, they're sparkling and I can see she's desperate to laugh, "Mikey, I'm not sure that dessert will be worth having anymore." My face goes bright red and I can't help but turn my face away. I hear the door close, thank the Lord she's gone, I know I'm wallowing in my sorrows but now she's gone, I sigh in relief. Then I sense motion beside me, Jana places her hand on my shoulder and slowly I turn. Her eyes are now worried, "Mikey? Are you okay? I'm sorry, it wasn't necessary... I guess I just thought we could all do with some laugher..."

I turned around to face the mirror. Looking myself in the eyes and realizing how childish I'd been. I turned back to face Jana, walked past her and out the bathroom.

"Mikey..." her voice cracks, the despair in her voice causes me to hesitate, I turn my head. Her eyes are filled with something I can't read, but her body language is screaming embarrassment and hurt. This time I turn, her head is down and she looks at the bare, dusty ground. I take a step toward her, put my hand on her chin and lift her head up, forcing her to gaze into my eyes. Now her eyes are filled with a new emotion, confusion, she looks at me.

"I'm sorry Jan's...I've just not had the best day..." I feel terrible as her eyes tear up.

"I'm really sorry...I guess I don't know how to help myself. It's just...I...it's my defense mechanism. I'm sorry." Jana pulled away from me, immediately I felt her missing presence. She headed away from the mess hall. Walking in the direction of her dorm. Her stride is purposeful as if she's trying not to run away from me. I sigh, wishing I could follow her, then turn and head back to the hall. Bongi notices that Jana isn't there immediately. She sends a glare in my direction, then turns, flicks her braids over her shoulder, holding her dirty plate and taking it into the kitchen. She obviously knows that the kids go swimming and tuckshopping after this so she doesn't really care that she's leaving me with Elise and Millie, I really don't mind Millie but...

xXx

I laugh as Elise tugs on a lock of my short hair. "Hey! That's not fair, my hair is more sore when you pull it because it's shorter and my head is right there!" I complain jokingly. We sit on the side of the pool while the children swim. Jana sits on the other side of the pool, her hair falling into her face as she laughs at something one of the kids say. She's smiling again. I roll my eyes, she needs to get over herself.

I turn to face Elise. I'm sitting next to her on the edge of the pool, we have our feet dangling in the water. She's looking down and avoiding looking at the kids. Thinking back now, she's never actually been that involved with them.

"Elise? Are you okay?" I ask, suddenly wary.

"I'm fine," she's says too quickly, "just not used to having all these kids everywhere." I can tell immediately something's wrong but I don't push it. Now I look at her, into her eyes, searching desperately for a sign that would tell me what she was feeling. Deep in her eyes there was something lurking in the shadows, guilt. I lent forward a bit, looking, searching, aching to find something more. Elise, taking it the wrong way, leant forward and placed her lips squarely on mine. I reeled back, angry at first, staring at her shocked, it seemed like the whole pool went quiet and was watching, Jana, Millie, Bongi, Lisa...everyone stared as. The first thing I did was glance in her direction...

Jana's hand was covering her mouth. Her eyes were wide, even though it was there for a split second, I saw the extreme pain that flashed in her eyes. Almost immediately it was replaced by a fake smile and laughter.

"Look everyone! It's the love birds!" She says teasingly, I can only hear the tension in her voice because I know her so well, she hides her hurt easily, hurt that I've caused her. I feel small, I've hurt her so many times, I've been rude, betrayed her, kissed Elise, embarrassed her...the list goes on. I'm a horrible person. And now I'm pissed off...

I glare at Elise, she looks embarrassed and surprised that I pulled away.

"I'm sorry Elise," I say sarcastically, "I don't feel that way about you." I use a tone that I've very rarely ever used...  "I can't talk to you right now." I have to get away, knowing myself I'm going to blow up any second and she's going to be the person burned most..."I've got to go." I say, struggling not to let my anger grab ahold of me. I stand up quickly, searching for her. Her ice blue eyes that seem to pierce my soul. Her short caramel hair that's always falling in her eyes... her naturally tanned skin. Her laugh that sound like bells tinkling. The way she always tries to make others feel happy. The way she cares for all of the children who come to this camp. Just...her...always her...

Just like it's always been...her.