I miss playing volleyball. I miss how active I was in sports. I miss trainings. I miss being strong. I miss my old self. Just when I knew I have a malignant tumor down my spine, I lost everything I love to do.
...and I'm hopeless. I'm down to the last stage.
"Anak do you need something pa? I'll get it for you, just tell it to me." Mom said in between of my thoughts.
"No, mom. I'm fine. I can manage myself. Thank you." I answered back. She gave me a hopeful smile.
This is the usual setup I've been getting to since nung nalaman kong may stage 4 cancer ako. Kung dati, ako lang mag-isa rito sa bahay na niregalo sakin ng parents ko nung debut ko, ngayon, I am with my mom and my bestfriend Therese to take care of me because they were so worried when they knew about my condition.
Nung una ayoko pa dahil makakadagdag abala pa ko sa kanila lalo pa kay mom na tinutulungan si dad sa lumalago naming business but then mom insisted and even dad wanted to come also pero tumanggi na ko. Ayoko naman yung nasu-spoon feed ako ng sobra. Swerte na ko na may bestfriend akong kasama rito, and mom.
May narinig na akong bumusina sa tapat ng bahay. It must be Trey already.
"Are you ready, Bea?"
"Yes, mom."
It's my check up today and we are going to the hospital.
"Bei, abang lang ako sayo sa lobby ah. Ihahatid ko lang si tita Det sa grocery store to buy stocks sa bahay mo." Trey said bago ako bumaba ng kotse niya.
"Sige. I'll text you na lang kapag tapos na ko sa check up." Sagot ko sa kanya. Nag-thumbs up naman siya.
"Take care of yourself, Bea. I love you. Don't forget to call or text us okay?" Mom said.
"Yes, mom. Bye. I love you too. See you later, Trey." I kissed them both sa cheeks and I went off the car.
Naglakad na ko papasok sa ospital and went straight to the reception area to ask for my check up today. Nung nasabi na nung nurse sakin, umupo na lang muna ako dito sa lobby to wait for my name to be called. I am ten minutes early. Kinalikot ko na lang muna ang phone ko.
"Isabel Beatriz de Leon?"
It is obviously my cue to stand at lumapit sa nurse para dalhin ako sa doktor ko. Pinapirma niya muna ako sa mga papers na hawak niya at nagsimula na kaming maglakad.
"Oh there you are. Good morning, Ms. de Leon." A fine lady greeted me as I entered the room. She is wearing her white coat as well as her stethoscope na nakasukbit sa kanyang leeg. She smiled brightly at me. I returned the smile. "Good morning too, Doc."
"Have a seat. By the way, I am Dra. Dennise Lazaro." She extends her right hand for a handshake and I reached for it.
"I am Isabel Beatriz de Leon. But 'Bea' is already fine." I chuckled. So did her.
"So Bea... how are you feeling today? Right now?"
"I'm fine, Doc. I'm a bit anxious these past few days. I know it's not helping with my condition but I cannot easily get rid of it. I end up sleeping very late because of overthinking." And then I let out a huge sigh. Dra. Lazaro reached for my hand and squeezed it gently.
