ALANA'S MISTAKE ✔

Chapter 21

Noah had picked up Snow from school by the time Alana got home from college. Her heart melted when she saw them in the kitchen sipping apple juice through bright green straws. Sometimes just looking at them, her family, made her want to burst with happiness.

Family life hadn't always been this way, this easy. Snow was bigger now, at school and independent in her own way. When she had been a baby it was far more demanding for Alana to be a mother. She and Noah could never have afforded childcare and neither of their parents were close by so she had to do it all alone. She looked back on those days with a strange mixture of longing and nostalgia to think of Snow so small, so adorable and dependent on her, and relief that they had survived, they had got through, even though Alana was still young herself, a teenager.

'Shall we go to the park?' she said to her daughter as they greeted her.

'Yes!'

Snow loved to be outdoors, she always had. Even as a baby if she wouldn't stop crying they would put her in a sling and take her for a walk outside and she always settled. Alana often wondered what Snow would end up doing in the future. She was pretty sure it would be something outside; she would not end up cooped in some office all day, that's for sure.

'Let's let Daddy have a rest, shall we? We'll go to the park, just me and you.'

She winked at Noah who smiled gratefully. She wondered if he could tell she was feeling a little lighter today. He had noticed she had been downcast since they came back from their trip, although since he mentioned it she fought hard to conceal her dismay. But hopefully, from now on she wouldn't need to fight so hard. Elias had agreed to back off. A guy like that, it was only a matter of time before he met someone else.

She couldn't help wondering if it was a musician thing, to 'fall in love' so fast and so hard. That was the subject material of most musicians wasn't it? Love. Except she didn't feel like he truly knew what love was. She didn't think she did until she had nearly lost it.

Snow sipped up the last of her juice, making slurping noises. Noah took her glass and began to wash it as Snow ran over to her mother and tucked herself under her arm. Alana ruffled Snow's soft curls, then told her to put on her coat.

They both said goodbye to Noah, blowing kisses to him as they went, then walked into the hallway. Alana smiled fondly at her daughter, watching her put on her little pink bomber jacket that always kept her cosy and warm. Watching Snow grow, watching her become her own person - nothing gave Alana more pleasure.

They set off, hand in hand, down their street, along a few more then out to the park. There were a few other kids there, a few other mothers. She didn't recognise them but she smiled politely and followed Snow over to the swings.

As she pushed her daughter back and forth, she looked around the park, with its brightly coloured play equipment and she remembered all the times the two of them had been here before. Hundreds, thousands of times. She remembered what it was like to bring Snow here when she was tiny, just so they could get out of the house.

She remembered how it felt to constantly wonder what her friends were doing. None of them ever had time to come to the park with her. Riley was around sometimes but not for long periods. She thought Snow was cute but the moment she cried or demanded something Riley would hand her back and make a swift exit soon after.

At the time Alana hated Riley for that, for leaving her when she needed someone. But as time went on, Snow got bigger, Riley tried harder to understand and things smoothed out. The only thing was that sometimes Alana couldn't shake those memories. Of feeling so alone.

Other mothers, much older than her, would ask if she was Snow's baby sitter or bigger sister. There weren't many her age with a kid, and none that had aspirations to go to art school.

The way she felt in those days was never something she could talk about. She didn't want people to think she didn't love Snow, she didn't love being a mother, because she did. With all her heart. It was just way more complicated than that, there was so much joy and pain all at the same time, it seemed to her like no one could ever understand.

As she carried on pushing Snow back and forth she took in a deep breath and looked around at the nearby trees surrounding the park. It's all in the past, she thought to herself. All of it. It's just the future that I have to make for us now.