ALANA'S MISTAKE ✔

Chapter 40

Alana held the kitchen drawer open and stared into it. She was looking for something but she didn't quite know what yet ... There were wooden spoons, big forks, a tin opener ... Then she saw the pen knife that had lived in this drawer for years. Noah bought it and put it in there, for cutting string or opening difficult jars. She took it in her hands. It was small, smooth, red, with four sharp blades of different sizes that you could pull out and a tiny pair of scissors too.

Suddenly from behind her she heard someone coming down the hallway with heavy padded steps. She slipped the pen knife into bra, just above the wire on the right hand side. She needed something to make her feel safer. It wasn't much and she didn't have access to anything else yet. But she would need to find access because the police obviously weren't going to be much help.

She spun round as Noah entered the room. He wore a faded t-shirt, sky blue, the same colour as his eyes and tracksuit bottoms with bare feet. His hair looked brighter and even blonder than usual, contrasting against his smooth, tanned skin. He was gorgeous, completely gorgeous and she felt like she were somehow seeing him anew, like she hadn't really looked at him - not really - in a very long time.

She would've given anything to sink into his strong arms. To curl up with him on the sofa and watch one of his favourite films. She would watch the entire Star Wars line up in chronological order if it meant she could be next to him. She cringed inwardly to think of the amount of times he asked her in the past to do that with him - she had always refused and accused him of being too boring and unromantic. What she would give to take him up on that offer now.

There was no way she was falling into his arms tonight. He could barely even bring himself to look at her. He walked straight to the kettle, filled it with water and switched it on, pulling out a mug from the cupboard. In the past he would automatically have pulled out two mugs - one for Alana too. Now she had to make her own tea.

'Is she asleep?' she said, tentatively.

Noah nodded with his back still turned away from her.

'She's tired, she's asleep,' he muttered.

For the past week or so he had been leaving the kitchen at this point and going into the living room alone, expecting Alana to go upstairs. They hadn't shared a room, let alone a bed since she told him what she had done. She could hardly blame him for that but it couldn't carry on like this forever.

'Noah,' she said, quietly. 'Can we talk?'

He poured the hot water into his mug then stirred the teabag with a spoon. He turned his head to the side and caught her in his gaze over his shoulder.

'About what?'

'About us,' she said, praying silently that he might listen.

He took the teabag out with his spoon and discarded it, poured in a splash of milk and turned around to face her, the mug in his hands.

'Us?' he said, his eyes shimmering with hurt. 'There is no us.'

Her heart flipped at that.

'I just want the chance to explain myself. Will you let me do that?'

He looked lost and tired.

'What's to explain?' he said. 'You forgot our marriage and you slept with someone. Actions speak louder than words and the message I'm getting is pretty clear.'

Her shoulders dropped. How could she explain? Make him see?

'I made one mistake. It was a huge - gigantic - mistake. But does that have to ruin everything we have together? Our family? Everything we have built together all these years?'

He took a sip of his tea.

'Didn't anyone ever tell you that's what happens when you cheat?'

'I knew I shouldn't have done it. I was ... lonely.'

He raised his eyebrows.

'You were lonely? How? I've been here all the time, haven't I? It's you that wants to go out and do all this stuff all the time.'

'You're here but sometimes it's like you don't even notice me, like you don't need me around.'

'Of course I need you around!'

He looked angry now.

'Don't make this about me, Alana. I didn't drive you to go to someone else, you did that yourself.'

'I know, I know. Look I'm sorry, I was trying to explain to you ... I've felt lonely for a long time, it was hard, having Snow and feeling like I was missing out on everything.'

'But you had us,' he said, frowning.

'I know that now. I just didn't see it before. Like I was always missing out on something but I wasn't. There was nothing to miss.'

He just looked at her.

'I can change, can't I?' she said. 'I can learn? From things I've done that I'm not proud of?'

'I'm not stopping you from learning or changing or whatever you want to do. All I know is I can't get the image of you with that guy out of my head.'

Her stomach churned.

'Please, Noah. It wasn't even me.'

He lifted his chin to look at her.

'Who was it then?'

'I don't know. I wish it wasn't. I didn't know I could regret something I've done as much as this but I do. I just want to be your wife again. More than anything.'

He let out a long sigh, looking at her with hurt growing in his eyes, like he might even cry even though she had only ever seen him cry once when he found out his grandmother had died. This is a death, in a way, she thought, if we let it be.

'I wish that I could say all right, Alana. Let's go back to the way we were. I love you. You know that. There's no point pretending I don't. But I can't just take you in my arms again and forget it all. I just can't.'

It felt like her heart were sinking into her stomach. With that, he gave her one final look then walked out of the kitchen towards the living room, leaving her standing alone, watching him leave.

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