Faking Smiles

10th May

Today, I found out just how many people hate me. How many people think I'm weird. How many people find me annoying. How many people find me disturbing.

People I had considered acquaintances, friends even, made me realise just how alone I was. I guess I'd always been kind of a loner. I never stuck to one friend group and drifted across all the cliques. I was friendly with anyone and everyone but was never close enough with anyone in particular.

So maybe that's why it may not be immediately obvious to others that I'm insecure; because no one ever really got a chance to get to know me properly. From the outside, I may look like an open book. I'm always talking. Always smiling. But all I'm doing is hiding how I really feel. And what I feel is sometimes buried so deep inside of me that I barely know my own emotions.

But I don't fault them for falling for it. For falling for my act. For the illusion that I'm perfectly fine with the way they treat me. Because I'm doing it on purpose. I want them to believe that everything is okay. Yet, I don't.

Knowing what everyone really thought about me, felt like a stab to the heart, unearthing so many bad memories and emotions I had tried to bury for so long. But I just kept smiling. I just kept laughing, pretending that their harsh words didn't affect me. But, the truth is, the truth that they'd never know, was that I was crying on the inside.

I hated my teachers for doing this to me. Why did they allow us to pick our own groups? I would have been so much better off not knowing. Not knowing the hatred my peers harboured for me. Not knowing how awkward, how ugly, and how boring I was.

Because all it took was those few words to make me feel like killing myself all over again. And all I could do was pretend nothing happened and keep smiling.

To keep faking smiles until my cheeks hurt.

-💀