Faking Smiles

11th May

My brothers hate me. My older brother says I have a knack for pointing out small flaws in his arguments and that he wishes that I wasn't born. My younger brother is insecure and believes that my parents favourite me. Calls me the worst sister ever, actually. When they say these things to my face, when they push me or hit me, I continue laughing, like I always have. Because I don't know what else to do. Because it's the only way I can think of to mask the pain.

I can't help but laugh at the irony every time. That the people who are supposed to love me are some of the ones who hate me most.

Yet, they've helped realise.

I talk too much. My bad jokes tend to have the worst timing. I'm rude and sarcastic to people who irritate me, I'm lazy and selfish and my personality overall, just sucks. I don't have anything in common with the people I know. All they seem to like talking about is boys and sex. I spend all my time locked in my room and when I do go out, I just feel like running right back to the only place I feel safe.

My parents think I spend too much time in my room and that I should take my headphones off once in a while so I could talk to them.

But here's the thing.

I don't want to talk. Because, as soon as I do, everyone seems to hate me more. Because when I do, I have to force that awful smile on my face that makes my small eyes squint and my nose look like an arrow. Because when I do, I become just as ugly as everyone accuses me of being.

I try to be normal. I try to fit in. But as soon as I try, I mess up and make everything worse.

Why can't I just be like everyone else? Why can't people smile at me and be genuinely glad that I'm there and that I've arrived?

Why? You ask, like I've asked myself so many damn times.

Because there's something wrong with me. And there's no smile that I could fake that will be able to hide that.

-💀