Faking Smiles

1st September (Pt I)

I never had a reason. A good enough one anyway. Other people had so much better reasons than me.

I wasn't abused, my parents weren't divorced, I wasn't physically bullied or tortured; the emotional bullying wasn't even bad enough to require a therapist, and nobody close to me had died, nor had I been the reason for somebody's death.

I didn't even have a good enough reason to feel the way I do. All of these feelings I have are completely irrational. But just because I tell myself so, doesn't automatically make things better. Just because my mum tells me so, doesn't automatically mean the thoughts are gonna disappear from my mind.

In a sick twisted way, I want to feel this way. I want someone to pay attention to me; to the way I'm feeling. To ask me if I'm okay and to care. And it's like whenever I have these thoughts, whenever I willingly take things to heart so I feel this way, this giant huge rain cloud comes out, hovering over my head as I stand their feeling sorry for myself, knowing that if I wanted to, I could've opened the umbrella in my hand. But I didn't. Because I want someone else to offer me an umbrella. I want someone else to feel sorry for me. Whether it's for a reason or not. Whether my umbrella is broken or not. Because I create reasons for myself, reasons and situations that wouldn't have existed if it weren't for me. In a way, I want to be depressed.

You can't fault me for wanting the attention. Everyone feels like this from time to time. But I crave it. I want someone to focus on me and only me just so I can turn them away and they persist anyway. I just want to know that somebody gives a damn about me and what happens to me. And as selfish as it may seem, I can't stop myself. Even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to. Because there will always be that selfish part of me that doesn't want to stop being selfish.

-💀