A Nightmare's Fate

The Uninvited

Chapter Fifty-two: The Uninvited

About an hour or two after I left with Periwinkle, I had to come back. I couldn’t handle being away from Errik; not after risking his life to come thousands of miles away just so I was able to not get that condolence letter. I can’t handle feeling so disappointed that I couldn’t do anything about his actions for resigning. I mean, sure, if he wants to be a soldier, he can do that, even if it kills me while he’s away. But he has a duty to fulfill.

            Kenton only became a soldier just so he can finish what his older brother couldn’t, and even though I understood that, I couldn’t handle the unknowing of what was happening. I couldn’t bear of what would happen. It was too much. And now that the past has reoccurred but differently, in a way, I just can’t seem to think it’s right for Errik to give up on something he likes to do and think it’s right. I shouldn’t be the one to make him do something he doesn’t want to do.

            So hypocritical, I think. You couldn’t stand to let Kenton leave but you’re fine with Errik doing it? Causing you so much more pain you already have? You just found out he killed your fiancé; you found out that he wasn’t who he said he was. And after making up with him, you’re capable of letting him leave off to a place where they basically just killed him? He’s in a coma, Raven! Don’t you see that? Why are you becoming so hypocritical?!

            I try thinking of doing the right thing, but I always end up with feeling so guilty, so wrong. Am I doing the right thing if I let him go back? Even though they probably won’t accept him until he is fully healed, but when he is, should I really allow him back into the army? Am I selfless that way? Am I selfish for thinking that I should get what I want and have him resign? I honestly don’t know anymore. I feel so confused in every way possible. I love Errik, but if he wants to do what he wants, he should do it and not have me in the way.

            I don’t want him feeling useless and thinking that I’m going to take over his life. I don’t want him to think that I should stand in the way of everything he wants to do. I want him to stay home, yes, but I said that same thing to Kenton and now he’s gone.

            You should really stop comparing Kenton and Errik, I argue with myself. They are both different people. They are not the same; they have their own strengths and weaknesses, their own flaws and perfections that make them imperfect and human. Why do you keep comparing them to one another? Do you honestly think that Errik will be better than Kenton? Do you think he will make the same judgments and actions as Kenton? What do you believe will come out of your assumptions, Raven? You are nothing but selfish and whiny; thinking you can be depressed and say that Errik can make whatever choices he wants, but you don’t want to go through with them. Face it, once he awakens, you guys will have a fight over him resigning and having him think he should go back into Afghanistan and then you’ll end up the way you once were—alone, sad, and pitiful—and you will only have no one but yourself to blame. How could you?

            I make compelling observations when it comes to arguing with myself. Am I whiny for the reason of being depressed? I do admit, I had been upset for some time, but didn’t I recover? I accepted that Kenton was gone by inviting Errik into my life as my significant other. Sure, it started with befriending him, but I was still sad then. Errik would embrace me in his arms and keep me company and warm; he would listen to me and be like no other. He was truly a best friend I could lean on. He was amazing.

I do agree that I was whiny, that I couldn’t stop crying over Kenton. How I came home or even stayed home and drank until I saw nothing; saw only darkness through my eyes. I would cut myself every now and then just so I was able to acknowledge my presence. But once Errik came by, he was the only one that cared. Freddy and Jessie and Periwinkle were friends of mine, but they wouldn’t be like Errik. They were selfish and rude, and yes, I understood that they were trying to help me, but back then, I wasn’t able to see it. Even now, it’s still unaware to me that they were only trying to be my friends and to help, but I can’t bring myself into full agreement that I was being ignorant and selfish myself.