Undignified

Chapter 34

Chapter 34

Phoebes POV

There are many things Liam doesn't know. Many, many things. How I'm dying inside, when I should be happy. I feel so fucked up. Like I should be happy, with my relationship blazing and everything going so "great" but I can't help but want to cry myself to sleep. I think I just can't grasp the fact that this all happening. Liam loves me, I never thought anyone would love me. I wonder if were taking things too seriously. I mean, Liam took my virginity. Wait, he didn't. Here come the tears again. I wanted him to take it. Unfortunately, my life is so jacked up that he didn't. This hate, is only adding to my problem. "You're a bitch!" "Liam's only dating you because he feels bad for you!" "We all know your past!" These hateful statements are forever cemented in my brain. Liam tells me not to look at them or pay attention to them, but how could you not?! How could I not wonder why Liam is with me? I mean, he's a millionaire, in a popular boy band, and he could have any model in the world, but he chose me. He tells me such sweet things everyday, and I have to pretend like I believe him, when on the inside is this person that's screaming and raging and just wants to explode! It's so hard. I hate asking for things from him because I'm so helpless. I hate having to ask for the slightest things, and the biggest issue is he doesn't want me getting a job because he wants to be with me every second of every day. I mean, I guess I'm excited for tour, but what is it going to change? I have gained 4 new brothers and they all don't know anything about my past or anything that's ever happened to me. How do I know they even like me? It's like I question everything these days. I know I make Liam happy but sometimes I wish I could just go back to being that other girl. The one who had to constantly fight her father and is worried about being raped. I want this so I can see Liam marry someone amazing that he's always wanted. Like a model, or an actress, or a dancer even. Not me. Not just the girl with the horrible life. I would rather be known as the jacked up girl than the girl who Liam is dating because he feels bad for her. I can't forgive, I can't forget. I feel like I want to run away and bang my head on a wall until it bleeds. I used to see blood on me everyday. It's almost like the pain made up for the love. When my father beat me, I could stand up to him and feel strong, and see the blood. It's almost like a comfort. I need to see it. The definition of pain. I need to feel pain. I can't feel this love anymore, I'm not used to it, it's so unknown. I don't like knowing I can't stand up for myself and be strong. I need to set aside the love and feel the pain. Pain. That one word brings so much comfort that love could never bring me. I need to run. I need to hit. Punch. Kick. Anything to hurt, to pain, to injure. This girl needs to come out. Not the lovestruck phoebe, the bad ass one that I used to be. People used to be afraid of me in my neighborhood. Why not now? Blood, pain, oozing from me. I just realized I have destroyed the punching bag. My knuckles are bloody and the thing is on the floor. My instructor looked at me in awe and I pick up my bag and run to the car. I drive as fast as I can but my vision is so blurry seeing is so hard. I'm gripping the steering wheel so hard it may fall off. I start to scream out of anger, out of need, out of everything that used to be. When I get to the house I run upstairs and I need to feel the pain the blood the anything to subside this. I can't go on, I can't love, I can't feel anything but pain. I look down and there's blood on the carpet. I have left a trail. I run and try to get a knife, to end this, to get rid of this double personality. I'm suddenly pulled away. Liam.