Undignified

Chapter 51

Chapter 51

Liam's POV

Everything that day went in slow motion. That was the day that broke me. You know, funerals are supposed to be a celebration of a persons life, I didn't go. I couldn't go. Not after what happened. Not after it was my fault. This guilt I have inside for it all. I caused this. I cried for a week. Only 4 people attended her funeral. Her. I tried to save her. I ran there, I saw her. She was, she was bleeding. Everywhere. Lifeless. Dead. I laid over her body and didn't move for hours. A man walked in, and gently lifted me off her, and picked her up, carrying her out. I sat there and laid in her pile of blood. It must have been god. He came back in and lifted me off the ground. He brought me to the house. I sat and stared at the wall for two days, until I got a phone call. "Hello, is this Liam Payne? Your girl, phoebe, her funeral is set for tomorrow at 7. Hope you can make it, she would really want-" I hung up before she finished. I couldn't hear the words. Who was that man? I'll never know. This book, this book is for her. I wrote it all for her. The grief I felt after that didn't stop until I met my wife, Danielle. She convinced me to write it. To write every memory, everything I knew about her. Every little detail. The pain got lifted in every chapter. And in this last chapter I realize, I have to let her go. She's gone. This is the last chapter of our story. I have many new ones to make, but she doesn't. This book is her legacy. This is the only thing keeping her alive. The amount of tears streaming down my face can't even amount to how painful this is. Pain is all I've felt for these three years since she's been gone. 5 psychologists and doctors tried to help. If you google her, you won't find her. She's a broken memory, a lost cause. But to me she's everything. I loved her. More than anyone else. All this pain, she wouldn't want me to feel it. I took her in, little did I know id fall in love with her, and almost marry her. I never got that. But in this wicked world, nothing ever goes as planned. The people who people don't care about disappear, they die. She was one of them. I have so many memories of her that I will cherish, but I also wish I could get them out of my brain. I was placed on suicide watch by my doctor for two months. A person may only be I tiny part of your mind, but to someone else, they could be my phoebe. The only person who was so misunderstood, and scared, yet she let me in. Her memory will fade, will die, to others. She didn't know many, too scared. I visit her grave every week. Danielle is trying to help me let go. I hope I die with her. I talk to her all the time. I see her around the house and I run after her. When I catch up, she's gone. I look at my kids and I see her. They're not even hers. No one will ever understand this pain. Losing the one that you tried to help not die, who you loved. I only had her for less than a year. I didn't get enough time. I cursed god for three years, and in this last chapter, it's my attempt to let her go. This book will go on a dusty shelf. No one will read it, but it's my memory. Even if I'm old, even if I forget everything else, I won't forget her. I guess she's where she always wanted to be. Up with the birds high in the sky. She's finally free. Free to dance and do what she pleases. And so, I leave you with this. She wrote this and stuffed it under the bed god knows when, but I found it when I was slamming everything into the ground around the room. It's the perfect ending.

Every night

I look up at the stars

And dream of how it would be

Flying free

Every day

I wonder

And stare at the birds

Dreaming of how it would be

Flying free

And I wander and dream if it has a hidden meaning

Flying free

I am here in confinement

I can't wait to get out

to experience the world that's so big out there

I want to break out of this small town

I want to go far and wide

With my freedom at my side

Soaring through

I want to live

I look at pictures of stallions

They run fast and free

Not a worry to be had

Like they're floating in open space

I wish I had it that way

I want to break out of this small town

I want to go far and wide

With my freedom at my side

Soaring through

I want to live

Soaring through

For now I look to the stars

See them shining so brightly

See the birds flying high

I wish I had it that way