melanie.
"That's disgusting." I scoff as Van dips one of his chips into his McFlurry.
"Don't knock it 'til you try it." He smirks back. That all-knowing, 'I'm better than you' smirk.
"I'll pass." I roll my eyes.
It's early, so McDonald's is filled with families with young kids, screaming and full of sugar. I stare absentmindedly at them. Thinking about how in a year or so, that'll be my little brother. Screaming and full of sugar.
"You like kids?" He asks, looking at me, quizzically.
"I guess, yeah."
"Me too. Funny little buggers."
"My sister hates kids, cause she's the youngest, so she never had to look after anyone."
"What's it like, having a sister?"
"Have you not got any sisters?"
"I mean, Larry's like a brother, but I'm an only child."
"You're lucky, having a sister is like having a burglar living under the same roof as you."
He just laughs. Because he doesn't know how it feels. Because he's glad it's not him.
He stares at me and into my eyes, and I feel him try to coax me to tell him things. It was a funny thing, because he could do it without saying any words, and it's like he knew there was something I wanted to get off my chest.
But I wanted to keep it to myself, because I didn't really know what to think about it yet, and it's not like I knew very much about him either. I'd prefer to share less with people than they share with me, that way you don't overshare, and you don't spill all your secrets. And apparently I had a lot of those, both mine and other people's.
"So..." he begins, but doesn't end. Just leaves the word to fill up the space between us. Leaves it to make noise while we think of other things to say.
Larry walks in just then though, with the man of the hour himself, Benji.
"Well, well, well, look who it is, sister snogger himself." Van taunts, much to both mine and Benji's discomfort, as he is fully unaware of Benji recruiting me for help in snogging my sister.
The pair sit down, Larry beside me and Benji beside Van— an obvious divide.
After about ten minutes we get kicked out because the boys didn't buy anything, and I decide that I might go and see Jay and his nan, but mostly Jay.
"I'll text you later lass." Van winks as we part ways, and I'm not really sure how to take it so I just nod and say ok.
I think about it on the walk to Jays. And it spins around in my head, taunting me. Sometimes Van could be an arsehole and then other times he could be somewhat nice. But he was hard to read, and I suppose I was too. And you have to have a distraction technique, a way of making people forget that's what you were like— closed and guarded.
I reach Jays' nans and ring the doorbell, it's one of those ones that plays a tune when you ring it.
She opens up, smiling fiercely.
"Melanie! Darling! Come in, come in! Jays just in the shower, I'll make you a brew!"
Jays nan had a love for little misunderstood beings, and stray dogs, and loveable rogues. So naturally, Jay and I were among her favourite people. She liked me especially, because of my French name and my long blonde hair. She would sing that one Edith Piof song to me, the really famous one.
She sits me down at the kitchen table, telling me I'm more family now than a guest and so she's ok with me seeing the 'mess'. Her kitchen was gleaming clean, bar a couple of dishes in the sink. But to her, her house was in a state, and she would never let a guest see that her, a person, had eaten lunch and not cleaned it up.
We make small talk and giggle about how we can hear Jay singing in the shower and after a while he comes down the stairs, all squeaky clean and equal parts as embarrassed to see me sitting at the table with his nan.
"Don't worry." She says. "I haven't told her too much." She jokes.
She leaves us to it in the kitchen and Jay sits down and looks at me, puzzled.
"Why'd you come? Not that you're not allowed, but you never come over unannounced."
"Eh, something weird happened and I didn't know who else I would tell."
There was an awkward feeling between us now, because we never really used one another as a crutch, but I needed to tell someone. And I guess I hoped he would laugh, and then I'd feel better about it all.
He looks at me, a bit scared.
"My ma's knocked up again. This time it's a boy." I say, and I feel like I weigh less after getting it out of me.
And I was right about Jay. He just burst into laughter.
"Your ma."
"Pregnant!"
He manages to get out between laughs.
"Yeah, she showed me a scan and all."
"Oh, Ed. Your life gets funnier and funnier, mate."
I just roll my eyes.
I let him contain himself again, acting as if I'm sour about it, but really that's exactly what I wanted. Someone to show me it's not so bad. That it's actually kind of funny. And of course I knew Jay was the man for the job.
We chat for a bit then, about nothing. We never really talk to one another, or do things together without a purpose, so it was a bit odd. Odd to be sitting across from one another, listening to one another. Mostly we just shouted over one another and argued and laughed and then left without him ever saying goodbye.
Him and his weird goodbye phobia. It played on my mind, I wanted to ask, but I thought he might not want to tell. I didn't want to push my luck. And also I didn't want to ruin the moment. So once again, like this morning, I kept my trap shut. But it ate away at me, and it almost slipped out a couple of times.
I couldn't tell whether it was a good thing or a bad thing, that I had not said exactly what I had wanted to say. And although it didn't feel right, it also did in a way. And I wasn't sure how that could be.
I walked home from Jays in the dark, I didn't realise I had spent the whole day there. And I got a text from Van, asking me if I was busy.
I pondered over whether to say yes or no. Was I busy? I guess I wasn't, but did I want him to know I wasn't busy? And why was I even overthinking this? Because I like him. And some part of me was afraid he knew that, and that he would take advantage of it. And another part of me wanted him too. And all the parts of me were like cogs, but they didn't fit together, and nothing was spinning and most of me was breaking down. But I tried to ignore it as I typed back 'yes.'
