melanie.
I meet Van not far from my house, his face tinted orange from the streetlights. The streetlights clouded up the dark, and you could barely see the night sky because of them.
"'Ello Ed." Van winks.
I shake my head. I wish people would stop calling me that. But I guess I wasn't to fond of Melanie either. So it was tit for tat really.
"Where are we going?" I ask him as we start to walk.
"You know what?" He begins. "I don't really know."
I go to say something cheeky but I stop myself. I haven't got it in me right now to spoil the moment. And I seemed to be getting better at shutting my mouth when I thought it wasn't a good time to open it.
But unfortunately, Van caught me open my mouth and not start talking.
"Go on, say what you was gonna say." He coos at me.
But I feel empowered by my strength so far.
"No, I'm trying to keep at least one person from being mardy at me."
"I won't be."
"Well it's not gonna have the chance to make you mardy now cause we've discussed it, but just know it would have."
"I believe you."
"You'd wanna."
"Oh look there you go being cheeky again, and you were doing so well." He laughs.
"Fuck off." I roll my eyes.
"Did you ever just think that that's just who you are."
"Yeah, but I try not to believe it."
"Why not?"
"Cause I don't particularly like making people mardy."
"Why'd you do it then?"
"If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't be the way I am."
And he knew I was right, so he shut up. And I was happy he had finally piped down. And I think that was the main thing about me, I liked being right. That's why I never shut up.
"And you've always been that way?" He asks, scoping me out. I didn't like it. But I also felt an intense pressure not to shut him out, like if I did I would be sad. And I don't know how he managed to make me feel that way. Like he was important and I was obliged.
"I guess so."
"You're strange." He blurts out.
"I'm having trouble deciding which one of us needed to keep their mouth shut." I say playfully and he just laughs.
"You're rubbing off on me."
We had been so deep in conversation I didn't look to see where we were going, but it seemed we were heading towards Castle Park, a massive estate at the far end of town. It had its own little shopping centre and park, that's how big it was.
"Where are we headed?" I ask.
"Oh, I guess I just automatically go to walk to Benji's house every time I'm out." He laughs nervously.
"So were visiting him then?"
"Um, probably."
"Great." I scoff.
"Are you still not over the whole sister snogging thing."
"He's three years older than her!" I exclaim.
"But it was just a kiss."
"But it was just my sister." I retort.
Clearly he didn't understand. Maybe because he didn't have siblings of his own. But the kind of love that exist between siblings is strange, like you can go on and on teasing them and annoying them and making their life difficult, but the second someone says something nasty or does anything to one of your siblings, you instantly become their bodyguard, their protector, their biggest fan. He didn't get that even though most of the time I don't really care what my sister does, when it came to the important things, I was probably worse than our mother. Because when I was her age all of those things happened to me too, and I didn't want her to make the same mistakes I had made.
And there was silence then between us— an uncomfortable one. The kind that had unspoken words floating around it. Vans confusion, my anger. Both swirling around in the space between us and above our heads, but not coming out of our mouths. And it seemed there was so much you could say without having to say anything at all.
He sighs. I sigh. We continue on, not really knowing what to say. I didn't want to let it go, and he didn't want to apologise. So it was like two north ends of a magnet. We repelled away from each other.
We swung around the corner, into the Castle Park estate. I heard voices coming from further down the road. Familiar voices. I recognised one instantly.
Speak of the devil. It was my sister. And Benji. I automatically grabbed Van's arm and stopped him from walking forward.
"Shhh!" I whispered. Not really sure what to do with the situation I had just encountered.
"What are we doing?" Van whispered.
"I don't know yet." I say.
"We should just talk to them." He says back, ushering me to move forward with him.
I reluctantly follow, not sure of why my inherent stubbornness has suddenly disappeared.
"'Ello lads!" Van calls out, I just skulk behind him moodily.
Benji shoots me a sorry look, but I don't look him in the eye.
Van grabs my arm and squeezes it, as if to say 'don't say anything stupid.' So I stay silent.
"What's going on?" Benji asks.
"Nothing, came to visit." Van tells him. They both nod in understanding. Both are very agreeable people. Both are the opposite to my sister and I.
We glare at one another. Steely eyed. Unforgiving. Both unhappy to have met each other while out in public. Both thinking how ridiculously confused we are were both about to have a new baby brother. And neither of us like being confused. So we cover it with anger. And that was just how we were.
The boys decide that we should all head back to Benji's house. I don't disagree, but I don't agree either. I just follow moodily.
Van slows down so we fall a few steps behind Benji and Chloe.
"You alright?"
"I guess."
"It's ok if you're not."
"How does that make a difference?"
"It means I'll put up with it."
"What?"
"I won't be annoyed you're annoyed."
"Why would you be annoyed about me being annoyed anyway? You're not my boyfriend."
He pauses for a minute, and I smack myself internally for blurting that out. I have just made things a thousand times more awkward than they already are.
He doesn't know what to do so he just laughs.
"I didn't mean it like that." I say, trying to fix the damage that has already been caused.
"I know what you meant." He smiles, and nudges me.
