Barely Alive // TWD // Daryl Dixon

Chapter 35 - Grieving

"Before I knew you, I thought brave was not being afraid.

You've taught me that bravery is being terrified and doing it anyway."

- Laurell K. Hamilton, Blood Noir

Daryl's POV

Sasha woke me up about two hours ago to keep watch, it had been a while since my turn ended and I just had kept tossing on the ground, trying to fall asleep but I hadn't been able to.

I never thought I would actually be heartbroken in my life, I was Daryl Dixon for fuck's sake, but here I was, with a broken heart. It killed me to know how things were now between Cecilia and I, especially because of the Beth thing, and even when I didn't do anything, I felt extremely guilty because that shouldn't have happened in the first place.

But the thing that made me this mess was the news Cecilia said to me one night ago. I had tried to tell myself that Cecilia was right, things happened the way they should had happened. I think of the walkers and all the things we had gone through, like losing the farm, the prison, the Governor, those crazy people from Terminus and honestly having a baby is just insane but then I see Judith it makes me believe it could have been possible, we could have make it work, but it's not like it matters anymore, there's nothing we can do now.

When she told Gareth to spare her life because she was pregnant, I didn't know what to think and at the moment I had other things to worry about but once we escaped I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was scared, I won't deny that, hell, I was terrified, but surprisingly I actually felt excitement about it. I remembered when Judith was born and I took her in my arms and fed her for the very first time and I imagined that but doing it with my own kid but then I remembered seeing Sophia walking out of the barn and I got scared all over again, how could I overcome something like that, losing a young kid to walkers?

I worried about other stuff too. I knew I would never hit my own child or abuse them but there are other ways to be a bad parent. Carol never laid a finger on Cecilia and she was a bad mother until recently. Before, some kids were neglected because their parents were drug addicts or alcoholics or some barely even spent time with their kids because they were too busy working or some were just too young or even too old and didn't know how to do a good job. There are a million ways to suck as a parent and only a few to be a good one and I wasn't sure if I had what it takes.

But that first night after we escaped from Terminus, those thoughts and worries were interrupted by another thought, or actually a scene, sort of. The kind of vision I got when I was with Beth just popped into my mind. That make-up scene was a really happy one, with Hershel and the others back at the prison, plus two additions. Glenn's son and my baby girl. I almost cried as I relived that in my mind. Probably when I saw that the first time when Beth told me she thought Glenn and I would have kids, when my head just created it, just maybe, Cecilia was still pregnant or was losing it exactly on that moment.

When she told me she just lied to Gareth I admit I was really relieved but a bit disappointed, mostly relieved, though. But when she told me the whole truth, that changed everything. It really crushed me. I only believed I was going to have a baby for a bit more than a day but that didn't really make it hurt any less, especially when we had barely talked to each other. Even before telling her about Beth we hadn't been on the best of terms and I worry that she's shutting me and everyone else out. She might tell me she's okay and that this was for the best but I know her too well and I know she's hurting too. Or she's still in denial and the pain will come later, either way, she worries me.

I want to go to her and hold her in my arms like I used to, I want to tell her everything is going to be alright but I get she needs her space. If I try to do all that she just will keep pushing me farther and farther away, and not just me but everyone else. I've noticed she had been making small talk with some of us but still keeps her distance, instead of always being with her mother because they were apart for months or sticking with Carl, Rick or Michonne, she has been with that new girl, Tara. She's avoiding confrontations, questions, just anything she can avoid but she also feels lonely, she needs someone, so she gets Tara to keep her company.