Growing up (Get Scared Fanfic)

Little Blue Pills

Nick's Pov.

After Lloyd's birthday party, if that's what you wanna call it, I decided to go home. 

I shouldn't have eaten that much. I shouldn't have eaten at all. I'm gonna gain weight... My metabolism has been slowed, so I'm gonna gain a lot of fat really quickly. Stop thinking about that. It's not like it matters, fat or or not I'm still me; the stupid little shit who can never do anything right. I sighed.

I dread going home. I'm going back to pissed off parents, anti-depressants, which I have yet to take, an empty room, and a cassette player that is on the edge of not working. I don't want to be home, but I don't want to be anywhere else either. 

I held my breath as I twisted the door knob. Pushing the door open, I saw no one in the living room. I didn't call out for my parents. I just started going up the stairs.

"Nick, is that you?" I heard my mom ask from a distance. 

Do I answer? Yes.. I have to. "Yeah, mom it's me..."

She came out of the kitchen and saw me, making eye contact that I had to break within 2 seconds. She spread her arms, telling me to go and hug her, so I did. "I'm glad you're safe."

"You're not mad?" I asked.

"No. Bradley came by and told us where you were and said that you just needed some space," she explained. He did? That snitch. Okay, no he wasn't being a snitch; he just didn't want my mom to worry.

"I'm sorry for leaving," I said.

"It's okay."

The next morning, I had to take them. I had to take my first dosage of anti depressants. I stared at the bottle of pills. The orange bottle with a white cap and my name, Nicholas B. Matthews. I opened the bottle, slowly twisting the cap off. I looked inside where many blue pills sat. I poured one out and just stared at it. I don't want this, but I have to. I placed it in my mouth and swallowed it with water. 'Remember, these aren't happy pills,' he said. 

It's not supposed to really do anything for a few weeks of taking these pills. So I have to remain being sad 24/7. Or completely emotionless like I have been for the past few days. It's strange; I've never felt like this before and I don't really know what to think of it. Is it me just getting used to feeling sorrow, or my mind getting tired of making me feel? I closed the bottle and put it back in the cabinet. 

I went upstairs to my room, picked up my journal, a pen, and my dying tape player, then left my house to go to my old retreat. 

Outside, the heat was killing me. It's never this hot in Utah. What the hell? Good thing the trees block most of the sunlight and leave nothing but shade. I made it to my old tree house. Wow, I haven't been here in a while. Okay, so how am I gonna do this? Both my hands are full. Two trips I guess. I set down my journal and climbed up to put my cassette player inside. I went back down and got my journal. 

I sat inside with my journal in my lap and my pen in my right hand. I flipped past all the pages of crap and got to a blank page. Through out these few days, I've been building  a bunch of potential lyrics, so I quickly started to write.

It's like I've forgotten what it's like to be me. This world has left a lock on my mind. A need to stay beneath has taken me to a bed I never want to leave. A need to stay away has taken me to a path I can't help but follow.

Numb is what I've come to be. You all me the world to me, but what do I mean to you? If I stopped my ways, my self inflicted pain, would it even matter at all?

Not bad. Not good either, but it's definitely the best thing I've written. That's all I have for now, I don't want to push it.

 Should I show Lloyd this? I don't know. I don't want him to start getting more worried about me than he already is. He'll probably ask things like, 'Wait, are you still cutting yourself?' 'What do you mean by numb?' No, Lloyd, I haven't cut in a few weeks. And I don't know, I just haven't felt anything in a while. 

I should go eat. I didn't eat breakfast, so I guess I should. I don't really want to keep starving anymore. It feels better to eat. I know I'm probably gonna gain back all that weight I lost, if not more, but I don't even care. I don't have the mentality to keep doing that anymore. I don't really care about anything right now. I don't mean I don't care about my parents, Lloyd, and Johnny, I just don't care about life. I don't have the need to look a certain way and I don't feel suicidal. It's weird how fast I changed. One moment ago I couldn't stand the thought of eating, but now I don't care. 

I went back home to eat, but once I got there my stomach felt weird. It felt like it was telling me not to eat. Well then, this is new. I sat down at the table, resting my head over my crossed arms. I don't even know what to do anymore. I should go with Johnny or Lloyd and do something with them. 

"Mom!"

"Yes?!" she yelled back.

"I'm going to my friend's house," I yelled.

"Okay, be back for dinner."

"Okay!" 

I went out the front door. Who's house? Um... I guess Brad's. I've been at Johnny's for a day and a half, so I should go with Brad. 

(A/N So the song Nick wrote in this is something I'm working on, so if you guys are musicians or anything like that, please don't steal it. Unless you are Nick Matthews himself and you're reading this for who knows what reason, Then go right ahead. And if you are Nick.. Then crap, this is awkward, I'm writing about you... Some one should ask him on like twitter or Instagram if he remembers meeting a a girl on her birthday when they went bowling a day after a show then let me know if he replies to you and what he replied lol But then don't mention this fanfic ever XD... Also I know it's not best song, but I'm still learning so please don't call it stupid or whatever)