A Week With Andrea

Chapter 13

              Maybe there's a reason why we don't talk about anything depressing outloud. Or that's just me. I could say that I want to die and I can't take this anymore to someone but it wouldn't feel like how it would feel wen typing it down. While reading the statement 'I want to die, cause I can't do this anymore!' Most of us would read it with this voice and intonation that would match up the mood. That's what I do.

        One day, I'd like to convey my actual feelings. With my voice. Not a damn keypad or pen and paper. I want to shout it out loud from the rooftops and let everyone know. Maybe actually own a facial expression to outwardly express how I feel instead of it looking blank all the time. My smile looks fake. My eyes are empty. My laugh sounds awkwardly forced. Everything is unclear.

           Another thing that's weird is when i smile,for no apparent reason,when I'm with her. I smile when she's around. I smile even when I dont want to. There would be times when I glance around and knit my eyebrows together whenever I'm with her cause I try to look blank. Instead I smile.

Seeing her makes me smile. Hearing her voice ( like a dying whale as he had described )makes me smile. Being with her and doing completely nothing makes me all giddy. I wouldn't be able to explain it. I ask myself this everyday, but no answer.

I hate my smile. I hate my eyes. They both lack emotion.

But for some reason, she told me she loved my eyes.

         I hated something she loved and that seemed weird to me. Flattering but odd. She'd tell me that my eyes were hard to read.

"When I try to read a person, I read their face. But with you—your face is always blank. I couldn't understand." That's what she told me.

I took it as a bad and a good thing. I hated how I seemed emotionless to people but it was also an advantage, people would think they couldn't get through me.

         I shut my eyes closed for a moment and tried to take in deep breaths before typing in what to say.

andrea: you, what do you like about me?

heather: which aspect? Physically, mentally?

andrea: both.

I thought about it. I liked a lot of things about her in all honesty but I had to go with her eyes as well. When I look at them, they tell me something I couldn't comprehend. It was somehow calling me to look in deeper. Somehow like the ocean? the deeper I get, I'm afraid I might never come back up for air. It was dark, mesmerizing and troublesome.

There was that time when we smoked before going to school, it was right beside the jeep. You told me something, I didn't really understand it. I just nodded I guess. I didn't understand what she said cause I got distracted by her eyes.  It got a hold of me and somehow I lost touch with reality. Then you winked. ( i think you were trying to lie to the guy in the jeep so he would t think we're in highschool?)

When you winked my whole world fell apart. I must have looked stupid with the flushed cheeks and knitted eyebrows so I looked away and just concentrated on the burning end of the cigarette.

I guess I'll never look into those eyes again.

I just might drown.