Autompne

five

FIVE

After school, I was required to go to another doctor's appointment. I hated after school appointments but that day, it didn't matter to me. I had decided that I was going to finally tell my friends at the hospital that I was dying. They knew I was sick and what kind of sickness I had but ever since I found out I was getting worse, I'd kept it to myself.

Jessica didn't ask much about my sickness but rather how I was doing at school. It was odd but nice—I needed a distraction because all my life seemed to revolve around was hospitals and medicine. Out of all of my hospital friends, Jessica was the one I visited the most. And I guess it was true that I really did enjoy talking to adults more than people around my age.

While the doctor was working on getting my blood test results, I snuck out of the room and went to the cafeteria where most healthy patients ate their lunch. Those who couldn't get out of bed or weren't feeling good enough to go to the cafeteria had their food given to them in their own room. I was grateful that day that most of my friends were healthy enough to meet me.

"Misty couldn't come," Freddie said. "Her doctor wouldn't let her."

Freddie was the only person around my age. He was about sixteen years old and he enjoyed talking to adults as much as I did. We had a lot of interests in common and that was why I enjoyed talking to him too; although he wasn't an adult. Freddie's heart was failing and he'd been waiting for a new heart for over a year. He never got sick enough to the point where they moved him up the list and while I felt bad for him not getting a new heart, I was also happy that he was healthy. I didn't want him to get sick. I didn't want the doctors to have to hook him up to some heart machine. He didn't deserve to go through all that.

"How's everyone doing?" Jessica asked cheerfully as she grabbed her juice. Mango juice was her favorite.

I stayed silent at that question because I wasn't okay. I wasn't fine and I didn't want to lie. I had no idea when the perfect time to tell them would be; I just knew that I would tell them that day. Everyone seemed so happy and I didn't want to ruin their mood. What if I just never told them? They'd be better off not knowing, right? It was hard enough to tell Mr. Harris and he wasn't even as close to me as everyone at the hospital was.

I looked it up. The 'how to tell someone you're dying' thing. I looked it up on the internet many times, even before I knew I was dying. I knew that I'd be put in a situation like that ever since I looked up my own illness and read those four simple words; there is no cure.

People often asked me why I looked and seemed so sane when my illness was basically a mix between depression and schizophrenia. I was given the same medications doctors gave to a depressed patient or a schizophrenic. They didn't cure my illness; they just helped me stay sane. I was slowly losing touch with reality. I was sane most of the time and I rarely had episodes but I was on medication; my symptoms were gone and they were coming back. There would come a point where I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between reality and dreams.

"I moved up on the list," Freddie said with a smile, pulling me back into their conversation. "I might be getting a new heart in a week or so."

"That's great, Freddie," Flo said with a smile as wide as Freddie's.

Flo was older than Freddie, Misty and me but younger than Jessica. She was twenty-five years old and she had lung cancer. She was a heavy smoker and even after she got diagnosed, she never quit; she just smoked less.

What if I never told them and suddenly disappeared, how would they react?

I didn't want them to pity me or feel as if they had to watch my every move. I got enough of that from my mom; I didn't need my friends to get paranoid too. There would come a point where our little group would die. Freddie and Jessica were the only ones who had a big chance of not getting out of the hospital in a body bag. I was dying, Flo's smoking habit was making her worse and Misty's kidney was failing. It was inevitable. So if we were all going to die, why make them worry about me during my last days instead of treat me normal?

There was no such thing as living life to the fullest and I was fooling myself by thinking I'd be able to do so. All of us wanted to be something or do something but most of us were stuck in our small towns. I wanted to travel around the world. I wanted to see different places. I wanted to experience new things but my medications were taking up all the money my family owned. I was fooling myself. So instead of getting people to try and get me to live my life to the fullest, why not just live my last few days with them normally? It was all any dying person would ever want… right?

"I'm dying," I blurted out as our table filled with silence. Jessica dropped her fork, Freddie's eyes widened and Flo's jaw dropped.

Wrong.

 

**

I really wish I could write a decent long chapter but I never get enough time, gaaah.

I'm writing this at the moment (uploading later though so this probably happened hours ago) because inspiration decided to strike at 3am and it is now 4am, wooo. I do have school in about two hours yet I'm still up wow. I'm going to be exhausted but what can ya do? Inspiration and its bad timing, sigh.

Thank you for all the comments and votes. It's not even been a full week, whoa.

You're all awesome. {Insert pretty heart here}