Autompne

eight

EIGHT

"Why do you always look upset, Finn?"

Macy Turner's words rung in my head as I lay awake all night. People slept—I never did and so I was left with my thoughts. It was a scary thing sometimes. I'd brushed her off at school with a short answer, but it was right then and there that in front of me I saw a huge question mark.

It never occurred to me that anyone would actually notice. For everyone else, I was just the quiet guy so they never took me being quiet as being upset. I didn't choose to be the quiet guy and I didn't choose to always look upset. Believe it or not, at some point in my life I wasn't the quiet guy. I was the perky guy who interrupted class every two seconds because of how hyper and happy he was.

Little by little, people's thoughts and opinions started to affect that quirky guy. They tore him down until there was nothing left to tear down so he was just there most days. He was going to school because he had to please his parents. He was getting good grades because he had to please his teachers and his parents. Staying out of people's way to please them and not getting into trouble to keep his good reputation and image in front of everyone. It was impossible for that guy to escape because as soon as he'd make any move to change back to his quirky self, people would start complaining about how much he'd changed.

You tell them to be more confident and then you tear them down as soon as they get there. You tell them to talk more and socialize, but you judge them when they do. You tell them to have fun and make friends but you shake your head in disapproval when they do.

So why did I always look so upset and gloomy? It was easy. Happiness didn't last as long as sadness did. You always had that one thing you could get upset over. The world had so many ways of taking away your happiness that it just seemed pointless to be happy because either way you were going to get upset later on. There were days where I had to literally force myself to smile and it'd just be physically impossible for me because sadness outweighed happiness. It was bullshit what they said. You can't find happiness. It'd be like looking for the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Impossible.

I always looked upset because I was always thinking about my life and what a joke it's been. I've lived it hoping that I'd get somewhere—anywhere. Life was beautiful and it was a shame that I wasn't going to get to live very long to see it and that was what really, really sucked.

A soft knock on the hospital room door pulled me out of my thoughts. I'd stayed at the hospital after talking to Jessica because it was too late for me to walk home and I didn't want to worry my mom since she'd gone to sleep early. The nurse allowed me to stay in an empty room close to Autumn's and I was glad about that. I would get to have breakfast with her before school the next morning.

I sat up as I said 'its open' to whoever stood behind that door. It was too dark to see anything in the room so I made a move to turn on the light next to the bed. It took me a few seconds to adjust to the bright light before my eyes rested on a slim body. It was Autumn.

Funny how you were just thinking about her. Right, Finn?

She looked small and fragile as she closed the door and walked slowly toward my bed. She wore a hospital gown, slippers, and her hair down in tousled curls. She looked restless so I patted a spot next to me on the bed and gestured for her to come sit and she did.

"Why are you awake?" I whispered, making more room for her as I covered her with a soft blanket.

"I couldn't sleep," she said, settling down. "Why are you awake?"

"I never sleep," I said.

Autumn didn't know about my condition, at least not much. She knew I was going to die eventually. I'd failed to mention the amount of days I had left though. I'd also failed to mention many of my symptoms.