where were you? || ziall

The Reason Why

Three months later.

niall

Niall hasn't talked to Zayn in three whole months, and it was the most three painful months he had to go through.

It's a terrible feeling knowing that you weren't enough. That you give your all to someone, but sometimes that just isn't enough, and it's fucking painful. It's a sad thing when a person who claimed to have cared so much is doing so much better than you are.

Niall always thought to himself, "Am I really that horrible that people have to leave me with no explanation?" That's what hurt him the most, that he wasn't worth an explanation, and instead was left like it was the better option. He's sick and tired of staying up late at night trying to figure out what the hell he did wrong because it's just not healthy for him. He thinks of all these possibilites on why Zayn possibly have left, but none of them really seem to seem realistic to an outsider's opinion, but to him? It's the closest thing to being true.

The first reason he came up with it isn't that bad. He just thought that Zayn possibly left him because he lost feelings for him, and he just didn't want to lead him on. But he was just too much of a pussy to not tell him why he left him.

The second reason is because he believed that Zayn's ex kept coming into his life thinking that they were going to get back together. Niall knew that Zayn's ex was his first love, and that he loved her to pieces and he would do anything for her. Niall understood that because obviously everyone is going to have that one person they will never stop having feelings for. He had a theory on this because he remembered Zayn always brought her up, and he would leave small hints here and there,

"You know what I hate?" Zayn asked.

"What?"

"I hate when my ex makes me think we're going to get back together, but we never do. Like what the hell? It's just upsets me, and I feel like an idiot afterwards."

"Yeah, that does suck." Niall pursed his lips.

"Fuck her. I don't need her."

Niall and Zayn had that conversation a couple months after Zayn had left Niall. Niall from then on had thought that Zayn's former lover came back into his life, and gave him false expectations only for her to break his heart all over again.

The last reason. Now, the last reason is his favorite. He believes that he was all part of a bet; he believed that one of Zayn's friend bet him that he couldn't make Niall fall for him in a certain amount of time, and then end up leaving him with no explanation. Niall thought this because he really can't see anyone loving him because who could love such a fucked up person? He doesn't picture anyone holding his hand, kissing his forehead, missing him, loving him. He simply can't picture someone being so fucking afraid of losing him because his past relationships it was all him. He was always paranoid that his partner would end up leaving him. And they did.

Niall never had the courage to ask Zayn why he left him because he was afraid of what the answer would be. He's afraid that Zayn would tell him some harsh reason on why left him, and he's just not ready for it. He rather have all these lies in his head because it's better than the ugly truth that he would receive if he would ask Zayn.

At the moment, Niall was laying down in bed talking to his good friend Damien. Damien was always there for Niall since Zayn left him, and he would support him throughout the past months. He was a great friend.

damien: i have to tell you something.

niall: what is it?

damien: it's about zayn.

niall: oh.

is it bad?

damien: i don't know.

i don't think it's bad, but that depends on how you take it.

niall: call me.

read: 2:04 PM

incoming call: Damien...

ignore or accept:

accept.

"So what happened?" Asked Niall.

"Okay, but before I tell you, I swear Niall if you start crying I will come over and slap the shit out of you. You better not get fucking sad because he doesn't deserve your tears or any type of shit like that. Do you understand me?"

"Yes! Just tell me, you're making me nervous with all of this shit."

"Okay, well you know Liam's cousin Leeroy, right?"

"Yeah, what about him?" Niall said as he sat on the couch staring at the turned off tv.

"Well, on the day of your birthday which was like what? Three days ago? They went to a family party, and they ended up calling random people. When they got to Zayn, Leeroy stared at Liam and asked him, 'Didn't he break one of your friend's heart?' and Liam was like, "Lol how-"

"Did you really just used the term 'Lol" out loud?" Niall laughed.

"-Shut up. Anyways, so Liam asked how he knew that and Leeroy said 'Because he told me' and-" Niall interrupted Liam once again, "-He didn't even fucking deny that he broke my heart? What a fucking asshole."

"Niall, shut up and don't interrupt! Anyways, so they ended up calling him and Liam asked why he broke your heart, and he said something along the lines 'I don't know I did have feelings for him, but something in my heart was telling me not to, and just I don't know. I was scared that he was going to break my heart, so I did it first."

Niall stayed quiet. Was that really the reason Zayn left him?

"And so then Liam called him an idiot, and told him that would never have happened because you're really sweet, and you had such strong feelings for him, but Zayn's dumb ass said that other people broke his heart before, and he didn't want that to happen again. So then Liam pretend to be you- which I don't know why he thought that would work, and he just yelled at him asking him why he broke you heart and stuff like that. Then Zayn got scared and he was like that's not Niall. And Liam said yes it is, and Zayn kept saying no because he knew how your voice sounded and that it wasn't you. So Liam confessed, and said it wasn't you, and Zayn called him a fucker," Damien laughed,

"and so then Liam asked, 'If Niall still had really strong feelings for you, would you give him a second chance?' and Zayn said, "He shouldn't have feelings for me at all, he should fucking hate me for what I did.' Then Liam called him that nickname you gave Zayn, Elvis, and Zayn told him not to call him that, and when Liam asked why, all Zayn said was, "Because it reminds me of him. Lately everything reminds of him, and just it fucking sucks because I can't do anything about it. I miss him, and I can't stop thinking about him.'"

Niall throat was clogged up. He wouldn't cry. He couldn't.

"Uh, Damien. Can I call you later? I don't feel so well."

"Yeah, but I swear if you spend hours crying over his dumb ass, I'm going to beat your ass up."

Niall left out a small laugh, "Yeah, I won't cry for him."

When he hung up, Niall let everything sink in.

For months he left himself believe everything was his fault. He ran a hand through his hair and looked up at the ceiling when his vision became blurry.

Suddenly he let out a sob, and his body started to shake. He put his head in his hands, and shook his head. This was fucking painful, and he didn't know what to do.

He misses Zayn, but he misses him being completely happy.