The Real You (BWWM)

16: I'm sorry

July 28th, 2015

There's blood all over the floor. A family 5 are tied in fold up chairs. Bruises and cuts form on their faces, more on the dads face. I scan the room and see torturing tools all over the place. The sight of this room unnerved me and my body is paralyzed. My thoughts go frozen and I can't think. My mind is brought back to consciousness when I hear the dad scream out. "Help us please!" One of Charlie's colleagues muffles the fathers mouth and another man puts a gun one of the fathers daughters. A gun shot goes off and the little girls body goes limp. Charlie grabs my arm and leads me out the room. 

"What the hell are you doing Charlie?!" Frightened tears start to roll down my cheeks, shocked at what I just witness. 

"You better not tell a soul about this Ava." He whispers threateningly in my ear, still not letting go of my arm. 

"You are torturing that family and just killed a poor little girl!" I scream at him hysterically. "How am I not supposed to tell anyone?! I have to get out of here." I turn to walk out but he tightens his grip on me, pulling me back towards him. His face so close to me face In can smell the Smirnoff and tobacco in his breath. I see a look in his I've never seen before. The side of him that has yet to introduce itself to me. His once aqua blue eyes turn almost navy blue fill with rage and mischief. 

"If you want your family to live, I suppose you don't run your pretty mouth to anyone. And if you dare think to leave me, I'll do the same thing to you and your family that I'm doing to those people in there. Got it?" I look down and nod my head timidly. He jolts my head up by my chin. He smiles maliciously at me. 

"Good girl." He tilts his head with innocence drawn upon his face. "You know I love you right?" 

"I love you too." The words get caught in my throat for a moment until they finally reach the surface of my tongue. He kisses my forehead and walks back into the room. I let my breath go along with my tears. I run out the building and run to a nearby park. All the current events just build up in my head, making no room for thought in my own head. I find a quiet nearby tree and lean up against it. I fall down to the down to the dirt and cradle myself in a fetal position. This all could have been avoided if I just said no to him driving me. Why am I such an idiot? Why am I so ungrateful? Why am I even alive? I shouldn't be alive. I don't deserve to live. I'm just a selfish bitch that's too easy to any man that even looks at me. 

"Ma'am?" I look up and see a security guard. I'm blinded by the street lights and realize its late. "Are you okay sweetie?" I slowly nod and urge myself to get up. My vision goes blurry for a moment and I try to regain my composure. Crying all these hours has drained all the energy out of me. "The park is about to close, do you want me to take you home?" Once my vision returns, I get a better look at the security guard. Her salt and pepper hair sweeps to the side of her face. Her dark cocoa gleams in the light and she stands about an inch shorter than me. 

"No, I'm okay. I don't live far from here. But thank you." She flashes me a sympathetic smile and nods. 

"Be careful okay?" 

"Okay, thanks." 

On my walk home, I went through every resolution I could think of. I thought of moving my family, but the thought of all of us having having to deal with the fact that he might still find us every day would haunt me. I thought about disregarding  what he said and still go to the police, but I know he would have his friends come after my family. I thought about suicide, but he would still kill my family even with me gone. I start to open the front door when it hits me. 

I need to kill them. 

August 10th, 2015

Its been days since I thought about the plan, I try to push the thought away from my head but it keeps coming back to me. Being off of my medicine for this long brings back the voice in my head and it repeatedly starts saying the same thing over and over again.

You have to.

You have to.

You have to.

I finally cave in to the idea and really think about it. If I do this, I would be the only person in danger. My family would be safe from the worlds problems and heartaches. Charlie wouldn't have to lay a finger on them. I could make it simple and quick, so they won't hurt too much. Maybe in their sleep. But how would I kill them? A knife, I need a knife. I need hair dye too. I would also need money for a bus too. How will I get money though? Rent money. My dad always keeps the money in his wallet. When I run out, I'll just do what I'm good at; attracting older men. What will the cops think about my disappearance? I'll stage a robbery. Seem as if I opened the door at night, they took me, then killed my parents and brother. I need to get to Seattle to find Charlie. I won't kill my family in vain. I need to turn in Charlie, then myself. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I walked away a free woman. This plan is so psychotic, that it just might work. I have to do this. Its the only way. 

August 16th, 2015

I've thought this plan over and over in my head, trying to modify and readjust it. But its finally perfect. I bought all the things I needed. A book bag, gloves, hair dye, extra clothes, and a black little book. Tonight is the night. I sit in my room at 3:25 in the morning, trying to talk myself out of this. But there's no turning  back now. 

3:30am

I can feel myself staring to break down in tears, but I stop them from entering my eyes. I walk to the kitchen and grab one of the sharpest knifes we have. I hesitantly walk into my parents room. I lean over my mom and look at her alive for one last time. I swallow the tears back as I caress her cheek. I cover her eyes with my hand and hold the knife to her neck. 

"I'm so sorry."