I'll Walk To Heaven

Chapter 24

That night I got to sleep with them both in my room. I told my mom and dad to go home, Momma and Papa followed them. Jacob and Landry agreed to stay in the waiting room, and Will decided to stay overnight.

I awoke to Aidan's crying, but before I could wake up enough to react it was already over. I looked over to find Tyler rocking Aidan in his arms, humming a lullaby to the rhythm of his movement. I smiled as he quietly swayed him back to sleep and laid him back gently into his bassinet. He glanced over and smiled when he saw me staring back at him.

"I'm sorry, I tried to get him fast enough," he apologized, sliding into the spot that I made for him. I said nothing as he slipped his arm under my head and cuddled close to me. I laid my head on his chest and listened to the subtle beating of his heart. The continuous beating reminded me of the first time I heard Aidan and Samson's hearts beating. It was my very first sonogram, it was also the day I figured out there were two little ones.

We were supposed to go home late tomorrow evening. But even then I know that this dread will follow me. Not only will I be trying to deal with the grief of losing my baby, but I will have to plan a funeral for my child. All the while still having another newborn to take care of. Suddenly every little thing was overwhelming me.

"Tyler what if I can't do this?" Constant defeat began to loom over my head. Nothing seemed to be going right lately, nothing my way anyway.

"We will do it together," he moved a strand of hair out of my eyes as he kissed the side of my head. I laid my head on his chest and lulled to sleep with his hand flowing through my hair.

***

"Will can you hand me his diaper and clothes?" I asked, laying Aidan down in between my legs while I tried to position myself comfortably upright. Will handed it to me and I took it without looking. I unbuttoned his onesie and slid it over his head. He didn't stir, he only hiccuped when it passed his mouth.

Will walked over to the bed and squatted to Aidan's height. He rested his finger in Aidan's hand, his fist immediately closing around it. Will rested his head next to Aidan's and let it rest there.

I changed his diaper before slipping his feet into footie pajamas that had his name across the chest. I was just zipping it up when a few doctors walked in with serious expressions on their faces.

"It's time, we have to take him away," the leader said, walking over to Samson's bassinet. I kept looking between my baby and the doctor who wanted to take him away. I gulped to try and get the rock in my throat to go away. By this time my mom had just arrived, when she walked in I could tell that she knew what was happening.

"Can she have a few more minutes with him?" My mother asked the doctor, resting a hand on the bassinet. The doctor looked and me and then nodded, turning around and sending the others out. My mom took a deep breath and rolled the bassinet over to me. I looked at Tyler, he was wide eyed and visibly stressing.

Someone took Aidan while my mother reached down into the bassinet and lifted Samson into my arms. I held him to my chest and took a minute to take him in, probably for the last time. I couldn't bear the thought of never seeing my son again, but I was quickly realizing that our time would be up in only a few minutes.

I could feel my lips start to tremble as I removed his hat and stroked his hair. I brought him to my nose so that I could breath in his scent. A sob erupted in my throat as I held him to my chest. I held him there tightly, not wanting to ever let go. Tyler slipped in beside me and put his arm around me. He pulled me to him and stroked my hair as I sobbed. I could feel the emptiness in my chest swallowing me up, it was like a black hole that was impossible to get out of.

I felt Tyler take him out of my arms and I didn't object. I let my head rest in the crook of his neck, the sobs silent now. I watched as his eyes traveled over our son. He held him so carefully. He lightly put his forehead on Samson's, holding him to his forehead I could see Tyler start to break.

His lips trembled, but only for a second. He pulled his head away and shook his head as tears were slipping down his cheeks. He sniffled and wiped his face with his arm.

I scooted up and looked him in the eyes, I could see the hurt behind the tears. He swallowed hard, he closed his eyes tight and choked down a sob. I pulled his head into my chest and pushed my fingers into his hair.

Tyler handed him back to me after a few minutes. I could feel time slow as the doctors came back through the door.

"I'm so sorry, but we really have to take him," he said. I looked up at him, the pity on his face was almost insulting. I wasn't sure why, but anger seared through me. Why did my baby have to die?

I nodded my head hesitantly, handing my mother Samson. I watched every movement as she stepped over to the bassinet and laid him down. It felt like my senses were all zoned into a single motion. The motion that will take my baby from me. My eyes were glued to Samson as I watched them wheel him out of the room. Everything just stopped whenever the door closed again. The air was heavy and suddenly all of the air was sucked out of my lungs. My entire face burned, my stomach erupted in a twisting sensation.

I could feel the cold plugged up feeling swell until it had a hold of my throat. I looked at Tyler who was looking at me. I made a weak attempt to say his name, but all that came out was a muffled sob. I reached my arms out to him, but he was already moving towards me. He sat on the bed and pulled me into him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder.

He rode it out with me. He whispered into my ear as the cold sent waves through my body. Each second was another hell. After a few minutes my head was resting on his chest as silent tears were still falling down my face. I just want to know why. Why would a God want to do this to anybody? This hurts. This is the most painful thing that I think will ever happen to me. At least, I hope to God it is. I couldn't take anything else.

But now I'm stuck. What am I supposed to do with my life now? Raise my only living son? For what? I have to. There is no decision to make because it has already been made. I will never leave Aidan's side. He is now my reason.

"Come on, let's get our boy home," I whispered into Tyler's ear.