Chapter 27

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*ONE MONTH LATER*

    To everybody else it was a normal Sunday morning, but to us it has been a full month after my son's funeral. Each day is different than the last. Some days I am ready to take on the world and more, but today I am feeling very defeated. I got out of bed after fighting a silent battle in my head. I went across the hall and immediately scooped Aidan up into my arms. He whimpered slightly as I laid him down on the changing table.

    "Hold on baby boy, mommy will get you as soon as I get done changing your diaper," I cooed as his face turned red with fuss. I unzipped his footie pajamas, and began pulling out wipes. His fussing turned into a little cry as I finished and zipped him back up. "See? That wasn't so bad," I smiled as he stopped crying whenever I cradled him in my arms. His eyes were set on mine. I kissed the top of his head as I sat down in the rocking chair and began to rock him. Tyler was still at work, he had gotten a job almost immediately after the boys were born. He was supposed to be getting off in about an hour. I didn't mind that I was alone with Aidan, in fact I loved my mommy time with him, but I do love it when both of my men are here with me.

    I heard the front door open just as I finished attaching Aidan to my breast. Tyler stood in the doorway, covered from head to toe in oil and grime. His hands were turned black from where it was smeared.

    "I thought you didn't get off for another hour?" I said, moving Aidan to a more comfortable position. Tyler smiled at Aidan and I before taking his dirty shoes off in the hallway.

    "They let me go a little early," he said cautiously walking into the room, careful not to touch anything. He leaned down and planted a kiss on Aidan's head. He then leaned up and kissed me sweetly. I pulled away and nearly gagged as I caught a whiff of his scent.

"I know, I smell really bad," he laughed as he noticed my crinkled nose. "I'm going to go take a shower, and then I'm all yours."

"Please do before our noses fall off," I joked and kissed him as he leaned back down while chuckling. He turned down the hallway, moving out of sight. I smiled down at Aidan as he continued sucking, every couple minutes he would stop and his eyes would droop. He finally fell asleep, his mouth no longer attached, but merely resting there. I covered myself up, and gently stood as I laid him back in his crib. I covered him up with his blanket before taking one last look and heading to the bathroom. The shower was still going so I began to undress. After I slipped my shirt over my head I paused for a long time on my stomach. It was definitely nothing like how it used to look. Stretch marks hugged my entire stomach, stopping only about halfway to my chest. My c-section scar was healing beautifully, but it only seemed to scream at me from the mirror. I had never had body image issues before, it was a new feeling to hate my appearance. I ran my fingers lightly over the scar. My stomach was not flat, it had a derisive pouch that I absolutely despised.

I tore my eyes from the mirror an undressed the rest of the way. I almost didn't want to get in, I was feeling suddenly self conscious of every inch of my skin. I stepped into the shower anyway, the warm water washing away every bit of fear. Tyler turned to look at me, his eyes sparkling as they marveled my body. He grabbed his loofa and began to rub my back with it. I was turned away from him now, staring at the wall as he traced the outline of my body with soap. He slid his arms through mine and rested them on my waist. I could feel a rush of butterflies erupt inside of me as his lips began brushing my neck. He gently kissed each side of my neck before turning me around to face him.

"You are so beautiful," he said, cupping my cheek. I smiled a fleeting smile, and pulled his head down for a kiss. The water trailed down our lips as we kept our foreheads connected. Tyler got out, leaving me to finish washing my body. I turned off the shower and stepped out into the steam filled room. I wrapped myself in a towel then walked out into the hallway to make my way to the bedroom. I dressed myself, and then met Tyler in the living room where he had Aidan swinging in his swing.

I waited to make my presence known, instead I watched Tyler as he interacted with our son. Tyler put his finger up to Aidan's fist and smiled as he closed his hand around his finger. He picked him up now, resting him on his shoulder, and holding his head to his cheek.

I walked over to them now, sitting next to Tyler and kissing Aidan's outstretched hand. "I think I want to visit Samson today," I said as my eyes never left my son's wispy brown locks.

"Do you want me to go with you?" He asked, placing Aidan back in his swing. Normally I would've said yes, but I hesitated.

"I think... maybe it should just be me," I said. Tyler nodded and held my arm as I leaned into him.

"I'll watch Aidan. You go," he said, kissing the side of my head. I watched the swing as it slowly swayed from side to side. Aidan had fallen asleep, his bottom lip puffed out. I stood, and leaned down to plant a kiss on his forehead. Tyler was standing beside me when I turned around. He cupped my cheek and kissed me, sending a shockwave to roll through my body.

"I won't be long."

"Take all the time you need."

With that, I turned, grabbed my keys, and left. The whole drive to the cemetery I couldn't decide what I was going to say, or if I was going to say anything at all. I was still at a loss for words as I was walking up to the small gravesite. They had just put his headstone in earlier this week. I've been trying to muster up the courage to visit him ever since. My breath hitched in my throat as I reached out my shaky hand, and placed it atop the cold granite.

I had not helped with the epitaph, in fact I'm not really sure who's idea it was, but I was in love. It read:

Samson Liam Jase

I'd walk to the ends of the earth to hold you.

To see you.

To have you here with us.

Someday I'll walk to Heaven, and we shall be reunited.

Someday I'll walk to Heaven, and I will kiss you just as I did when you were still beside me.

Someday I'll walk to Heaven, and I will tell you a tale of the life that you never got to live.

Someday I'll walk to Heaven, and nothing will ever separate us again.

Until then, may you forever reside in my heart.

    I almost could not make out the last words because my cheeks were trailing with hot tears. I sank to my knees in front of the slab of granite, and I wept. I wept for my sweet boy that I will never see again in my lifetime. I wept for Aidan, who will never get to know his twin brother. I wept for Tyler, for he now has to pick up all of my pieces while still trying to pick up his own. I even wept for myself, a teenage mother that has suffered too many tragedies to count on one hand.

    The end of my tunnel was not a bright light, but a penetrating darkness that did not have an end. Someday, I will have another child. Someday, Aidan will be all grown up. Someday, I must be happy again.

    Someday, all of this will be worth it. It's okay that today is not that day.

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