Academic Betrayal: The Bullying of a Graduate Student (Abridged Version)

Chapter Fourteen

When I first started work on the thesis it was with great enthusiasm because (although still I believed that I'd been greatly wronged and it was the least they could do) I felt that I was being given an opportunity to finish my degree. Although it wasn't as exciting or groundbreaking as my initial thesis, in which I had invested hundreds if not thousands of hours, it was still something I had a profound interest in. I was excited to get back to work, and I eagerly pored over the information. As I was working on the thesis, I felt that I was making progress, working closely with my professors while having the vast resources of the Hunter Library and CUNY system at my disposal. I worked tirelessly to produce the preliminary bibliography (approximately fifty books and articles), outline, and sample chapters.

I did not fully understand that this arrangement was doomed from the outset. I moved home after a couple of months of intense effort. Then, six months later, while rewriting chapter after chapter to Professor Rosencrass's dissatisfaction, I hired a professional editor to help me with my thesis. She had worked with several published authors. Professor Rosencrass had changed the agreed-upon outline in the midst of my efforts to complete the thesis. The editor was helping me organize my thoughts and adjust to the new outline. After reading drafts for one year she said, "I have no idea what will please this man," and quit. I was discouraged, but I pressed on. The following journal entries capture how I felt when I was deeply immersed in the thesis process.

Here is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote on 6/12/13:

I am now rewriting my first chapter for the sixth time. I have produced nearly one hundred pages of draft, but Prof. Rosencrass insists that I return to the starting line again each time. I have appreciation for the thesis process and making a student earn their degree by being exhorted to do their best work. But this is the second thesis I have been working on and the previous tests I took which cost me countless hours and hundreds of dollars in expenses amounted to absolutely nothing. This personal history, coupled with the uncertainty I still feel in not knowing if I will do enough to finish this thesis to finally graduate in December, makes it extremely difficult to focus on it and stay the course. I feel that my trust has been broken again and again, so it is hard to muster the energy and focus this late in the game, one year after I had started this thesis, five years since I started this degree, while I've faced nothing but obstacles, artificial bureaucratic, pedagogic, and other mush that has gotten in the way of my education.

I have committed and exerted myself now as I have in no other endeavor in my academic career and perhaps in the entirety of the rest of my life. All I see are disorganization and barriers; it seems that the onus is always put on me when there is a task. I no longer see hope in my situation. The thesis and graduate school put me in an intellectual prison where I don't have time to pursue all of the other exciting interests.

9/20/2013 Note: This is a journal entry about a meeting that actually occurred around 9/14/15.

I had a meeting with Professor Rosencrass, and the first thing he told me was that it would be impossible to finish the degree by spring, which made me feel immediately dejected. He told me that I was not creating the proper historical context, and when I asked him how to do so he told me that he could not show me. He simply said, "You just know it when you see it." Later I asked him about his problem with my transitions and how they could be better utilized to build historical context, and he told me, "I can't give you a formula; you must look at the historians you admire and try to understand how they are accomplishing the feat of writing compelling history." This confused me. "Shouldn't he be able to actually teach me?" I wondered.

When we met he went through my paper fairly thoroughly. At times the comments felt so cutting that I started to feel angry, as if I was being mentally bludgeoned, but I said nothing and continued to nod and listen. It often felt that speaking honestly about my frustration was futile, because he would constantly interrupt me and tell me how it was more difficult for him or how it takes time to do something really well. Often I have felt that he and other professors are quick to criticize, slow to praise, and frequently speak over me, asserting their points until mine are drowned out.

As the meeting started to wind down I pulled out the Degree Audit Application Form (DAAF) that I needed to graduate and tried to ask him some questions about it. He quickly told me that it was very unlikely that I would be able to finish by December and that it was too early to discuss this sort of thing. Immediately, anger welled up in me. When I started to express disappointment he asked what the hurry was and I told him that I had possible academic work. He seemed surprised that I was in a hurry to finish so I could teach. I told him that if I was able to finish my degree I had some promising leads on adjunct work in my area. I had a better future in sight, which I had worked hard for. He said that I could only do the thesis once and so to "get it right" I had to work as hard as possible under his tutelage as he sat there and tore through the sixth version of my first chapter. My hair was bristling with frustration. He paused and gazed off into the city in the distance as he instructively told me that all the institutions I seek will be looking at this project as they make their decisions about my hypothetical future employment.

I thought to myself that I had felt much more confident about a year ago when I was doing some guest lecturing at the college level, and this process was sapping my confidence and hope. As this has dragged on it feels interminable and with the finish line constantly pulled away from me it gets increasingly exhausting and arduous, and the blood is drained from the piece. The defeats are having a negative cumulative impact that makes each step I take increasingly uncomfortable, I thought as I sat there. Seeing the pained expression on my face, he softened his tone a little, and he said that he knew that I could do better work if I only would take the time to produce the best possible example of my work, "because all these schools will be looking at this." I inhaled deeply and all I could do was nod. He continued, "You only get to do this once," and my dejection inhibited me, at the time, from seeing the irony in his words, this being my second attempt at a thesis.

I notice that Professor Rosencrass is quick to criticize, but he is never able to explain how to correct the error; he almost never praises. For example, on the sixth draft of my first chapter he twice wrote, "This is not an effective conclusion," but he failed to tell me why or tell me how to write an effective one. He simply stated, "How about summary?" When I asked him specific questions about how to improve he said that one simply knows what good historical writing is when one sees it. He advised me to see how historians I admire do it and try to learn from or, I guess, emulate their style. This gives me the nagging feeling that I am just ambling about in the dark, trying to please this man, but I don't know exactly what to do to be effective. I just come to know the many aspects of my work that do not please him. I have lost so much confidence that I feel I am losing my ability to read critically, think imaginatively, and write clearly.

Every time I have to resubmit a chapter it derails my progress. It is extremely difficult to motivate myself with anything besides simply getting it done. The entire process has taken such a psychological toll. Having multiple professors deride my work and having one drop me has sapped my confidence. Professor Rosencrass has balked every time I have mentioned teaching, insisting that no one should teach at the college level without a PhD. Also I feel that I was not well versed in any particular area of study because I have had to cobble my degree together from the seven or so graduate classes offered every semester and perhaps only one per semester is relevant to Latin American history.