Life - Life & Death Book 1

Chapter 22 - Mictain

Someone gasps as I push the darkness away from me. The snow soaks it up and I see Zivena standing among the trees, blinking rapidly.
"Zivena?" I move towards her. "Zivena, are you alright?"
As soon as the words are out of my mouth I know that she isn't. The stunned look tells me otherwise.
"What's wrong?" I step closer.
Her eyes focus in on me and she steps back. A frown creases her face. She gazes at my chest before looking around me and then back again.
"Why hello there, Life," Hod says from behind me. "So nice of you to grace us with your presence."
Zivena ignores him.
"You're... incredible," she breathes.
I blush but Zivena doesn't notice. "What?"
"You're massive!" Wonder and curiosity spreads across her features. Why is she acting this way? She's never publicly shown interest like this before. And what was massive?
"I think this is a conversation better left between the two of you..." Taregan speaks up.
"What?" Zivena turns to him. "Oh for gods' sakes Taregan, it's not like that!"
I frown. "What are you talking about?"
Zivena looks at me. For the first time this afternoon, it's in the eye.
"Oh! Sorry," she glances away, shaking her head. "I'll explain later. I came looking for you." Satisfaction builds but it disappears just as quickly. "Both of you actually." Zivena turns to Taregan.
"What's up?" Taregan asks.
"I found Ander's body. About twenty miles west of the Hub."
"How?" I ask.
"I was hiking near the bottom of a cliff and he was just lying there. I didn't stay around to have a good look cause I'd rather you both there."
"You had better leave now. Darkness will be upon us soon enough," Hod says. "I will let Forseti know and I'll lead him to you."
"Will you be able to find us?" Zivena asks. She tries to sound casual but I can see the way Hod makes her uncomfortable.
With a cold smile Hod says, "You'll never be lost, Life."
I watch as the hidden meaning sinks in and Zivena's eyes become shadowed.
"You should lead the way, Zivena." I pat her arm in an attempt to comfort her.
"Hod's right. We need to get going." Zivena gently pulls her arm out from under my hand. As she turns away from me I'm struck with a realization.
The spark that so often glinted in her eye when she gazed at me is gone. She looks at me like she does Vulcan or Flora. As a friend, and nothing more.
My feet carry me after her. We wind through snow and trees, never stopping.
I have no right to feel hurt. Or rejected. I have hurt her more times then I'd like to remember and she has forgiven me every time. It shouldn't come as a surprise that she's turned her back on any chance of us.
We're better off like this anyway. Better off as friends. He said we would be. And where would any of us be without trust?
As this revelation weighs me down, I can see that Hod's words still have an affect on her. Her usually straight shoulders are slightly hunched. Not to mention the fear that is pulsing through her.
As we near the top of a hill, I sense something shift in the air. The stark cold of winter isn't pressing in from all sides like it was before, and I can see Taregan has noticed the change as well.
"It's just a little further," Zivena calls from over her shoulder. "After that you're going to have to trust me a little bit."
We continue to climb after her, our feet sliding deep into the snow. As we crest the hill what caused the change becomes obvious.
My feet land on soft grass, a warm breeze takes the chill from my skin and my vision is filled with so much green. There's crackling sounds as Zivena steps closer to me. She pulls half of her green hair into a bun, the rest falling down her back. Triumph glimmers in her bright eyes.
"You remembered," Taregan states. "You destroyed the wall." Awe coats his voice as he takes in the scene in front of us.
Zivena nods. Taregan moves through the clearing towards the massive apple tree in the middle.
Zivena touches my arm lightly. Electricity zips along my skin.
"I have never wanted to hurt you. And I never will, intentionally," she says. I open my mouth to.. To what? Apologize for all the horrible times that I've rejected her? The night she kissed my cheek pushes it's way to the front of my mind. She smiles, "I know you've never wanted to hurt me either. You've already guessed the decision I've made but I want to let you know something." She struggles to take a breath. "If I had not let you go then this wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't've remembered and I wouldn't've gained access to my power."
My chest caves in. I know I should've expected this. I've only ever caused suffering for the people around me. My vision shakes and blurs and a shrill scream fills my ears. I had been the one holding her back all this time.
Zivena's hands grab mine. I struggle to look at her as light pulses from her skin. The anxiety plaguing me lifts. I know it's only momentary but it's a relief nonetheless. As I meet Zivena's eyes, I find nothing but compassion, humility and... love. It's not the sort of love that could've been between us but love for a friend. A true friend.
I messed up but at least I didn't lose her completely.
Zivena smiles at me sweetly then shoves an apple in my face.
"Take one! They're a-maze-ing!" I can't help but laugh. She can never stay serious for long.
"Alright," I say, taking the apple from her hand and stowing it away in my jacket pocket. "We had best be moving though." A lightness dies in her as I say this.
"You're right." Zivena straightens up and gathers her pack that she had left on the ground. She walks through her patch of spring and pushes her way through a dense section of shrubs.
Taregan and I rush after her. Through the trees I can see mountains that give way to the sky. Zivena is standing by a cliff's edge, waiting for us.
"Do you trust me?" she asks.
"Yes." The word comes from me without any thought. Zivena gives me a small smile.
"Taregan?"
"Of course I do but you said that the body was at the bottom of a cliff."
"I know." Zivena holds her hand out to him and Taregan hesitantly takes it. "Jump." Zivena takes two steps towards the edge, pulling Taregan along with her and in a split second they're gone.
"Zivena!" I rush forward, my heart pounding.
Zivena and Taregan are falling through the air but... but they're falling too slowly. Before I can call out they disappear through the trees.
What in the world was she thinking? Was this how she had found Ander's body earlier?
To hell with that.
I step into the shadows of the nearest trees. I build the shadows, thickening them and letting them coat my body. In my mind, I imagine the shadows from the trees at the base of the cliff and before I can even blink I see Taregan and Zivena standing in front of me.
"You're getting a lot better at that," Zivena says, coming closer to me.
"Thanks," I mumble.
Taregan glances between us before asking, "Where's the body, Zivena?"
Zivena treks off, calling over her shoulder."This way."
The body appears through the trees. His long blond hair is out of its usual tie and matted with blood.
I freeze. Ander's broken body lays there. In the snow. His soul is gone. His life is gone and he isn't coming back.
I struggle to take in a single breath. I was only able to handle the hiker's body because I was so distracted by Zivena. But now... now there's nothing to keep my mind from it. From the death. Nothing to keep my thoughts away from what I've done.
My feet halt as their bodies flash in my mind. As the memory takes hold, my breathing becomes labored. My vision starts to shrink as the panic takes over.
Taregan is crouching in front of the body holding his scarf over his nose and mouth. Zivena, thankfully, has her back to me. I can feel the fear writhing in her. I can see the struggle on her face, the need to do something, to help someone but she can't.
Could she understand? Could she make sense of what happened? Of what I had done to them? Surely she would understand what it's like to lose control. To fear your own power. I could tell her everything and trust that it would stay between us.
But would she judge me? Despise me and hate me? She is life after all and death follows me so closely.
What if it turned out like he said? What if she didn't trust me afterwards? What if I lose the only close friend I have? What if he's right?
Pressure expands in my head. I can't stand to look at the body or at whatever Taregan and Zivena are pointing at and discussing. They don't need me.
I turn my back on them and use the trees to pull myself through the forest. As I stumble away, the snow hardens to ice beneath my feet and I start to hyperventilate. I come across some low lying brush and a thick tree to hide behind.
Telling Zivena could mess up everything. I've already screwed up and missed my chance with the only person who has ever looked at me without fear, without judgment. Even Vulcan was scared of me at the beginning but not her. Never her.