Bottled Feelings

Behind the scars.

I may act like I'm strong.
But deep inside I am weak.
I may act like I don't give a damn.
But I always did.

I hate myself.
I whispered again and again.
For caring too much.
For letting a demon use me.

The demon cursed me.
And I was too weak to fight him.
And now I found a blade in my hand.
The blood was dropping from my wrists.

I shouldn't be affected for a rumour.
But I'm weak.
And I'm dead.
Their words were slowly eating me.

I'm trying to be strong.
I'm trying to stand up straight.
I'm trying to keep my head high.
But they laughed an tripped me down just like what they always did.

I was surrounded by my own demons.
As I became a servant of the real demon.
His talks were sweet.
But I didn't know he was slowly killing me.

He killed me already.
Mentally.
Spiritually.
And now I'm trying to kill myself, physically.

When the crowd begged and became worried about me.
I grinned and whispered "plastic".
Please don't play pretend.
My wrists had already bled.

They started to apologize.
Because they knew I wanted to die.
But I was too cold hearted so I couldn't look them in the eye.
Like their king who couldn't look at me.
Like their king who can't even stand on his own.

The king was the real killer.
But he didn't come to see the show.
He always wanted to see shows and everything above all.
But now he's the star on my own show and now I might risk it all

I know it doesn't make sense.
I'm sugarcoating every shit that makes sense.
Silly me, after what you did.
I was still protecting you like I what I always did.

How unusual it is that my mailbox is flooded.
When it all used to be peace and quiet.
Everyone begged but I never listened.
I was already carving blood lines on the empty canvases.

They all got worried and I started to laugh.
How silly of you.
Are you even really worried?
Or are you just curious?

The clock striked 12.
I went out and the cold breeze started to touched my skin.
I saw one of the guy behind the scars for today.
He was begging me to forgive him but I looked away.

I couldn't look.
I couldn't speak.
He was kneeling infront of me.
And I don't know what I did.

He held my cheeks and forced me to look at him.
But no, I still couldn't look at him straightly.
He held my hands in a friendly way.
And oh no he got scared because he saw the blood and I thought he'll push me away.

He got mad at his self.
He did a dumb thing to impress his friends.
My tears were no were to be seen.
Because the coldness of my heart was the only thing that is real.

He hugged me to give me warmth.
But I pushed him away because I don't deserve love.
He held me tight and told me "It's not your fault!".
And once again I pushed him away and told him "It's always my fault.".

We went away.
To a place where I always hid.
3 hours came by and shit just got real.
My heart was still aching and yet I forgave him.

Everyone deserves to be forgiven.
God forgave me for I have sinned.
I am nothing like a God.
So no matter what happens I chose to forgive even if pain was aching me.

I admire him for being strong.
To sneak out of the kingdom just to go to my tower.
I was about to jump but he was there to catch me when I was about to fall.
And I couldn't even thank him enough for doing it all in all.

There was still a part of me saying that I should have jumped all along.
The demons whispered "The world is better when you're gone after all".
They hated me enough for wishing me to die.
I chuckled because I was one of them because I'm wishing myself to die.

But there is also a part of me saying that I should see the light.
That there is still hope.
That there is still cure.
That I will get through this because He gives the hardest battles to His strongest soldiers.

I saw the light and begged Him.
Forgive me for I have sinned.
Forgive them for not knowing what they were doing.
Forgive us, Guide us!

The light was my only salvation.
My only hope.
And I am hoping for better things from now on.
I'll just try to let this go.

I just need the king to stand on his own.
He should be man enough to face what's wrong.
He should be man enough to face the girl he killed.
He should be man enough to fix what he did.

The sky is empty.
My eyes are weak.
My wrists stopped bleeding.
I should get a good night sleep.

2017, June 7th
Wednesday
5:36 AM
S0CI0PATHETIC ©