Emergent

Chapter One

There are three windows in my house. One just adjacent to my front door, one a few feet back replacing a part of the right wall that also acts as a back door, and one upstairs dead across the room from the doorway. Looking out these windows has become a burden of mine.

I live in a small house, with one room downstairs and two rooms up. The lone downstairs space is supposed to be three rooms (a kitchen, living room and dining room) but I find it hard to count it as three. They all hold basic needs and appliances, nothing exciting. Upstairs has a bathroom and a bedroom. It's simplicity almost mirrors the Abnegation houses. Although I don't have to live like the Abnegation would, I choose to. 

I should feel safe with my surroundings, feel at peace. At home even. But I have never been so on edge. Especially with the fact sitting on my shoulders that I can't go outside. My resentive behavior to the world outside the walls I live in make me feel trapped.

I at one point didn't know what held me to my sudden grudge to the world. Who was to say at that point. Now I'm just wondering how I was so stupid, so oblivious that I didn't see it before. 

Fear. Fear is what keeps me here. There isn't anything else to it. Fear of running into someone. Fear of ruining everything. Fear that they'll all hate me for it. Fear of the world in general. Fear. 

But that destruction, the pain, the fear, it doesn't go away over night. Sometimes I scream at the top of my lungs even though there isn't anything to scream about. Good thing I'm so isolated no one can hear me. It is safe to say I will not be forgetting for a long time.

I have food and other materials shipped to me from an old friend. I get a stack of new clothes every three months. I don't need them that often, but it's nice to have some. All of this is done for me so I don't have to. A selfish act on my part, but necessary on certain terms. Most terms actually.

In reality, it's not that I can't go outside. There is no legal law bounding me to this house. I could run away if I wanted to. I am, however, not allowed to enter the city. Not where someone will recognize who I am and try to hug me or kill me. Although complete opposites, both are possible in my situation. My distance should prevent any run-ins with the wrong people, but risksaren't to be taken. Not with such a dangerous and hidden situation. I know they are somewhere, and I can't let my brother or my love or my friends see who or where I am. But I don't leave. I won't leave. Being so isolated, yet so close, is almost comforting to me. I will not go into the city and reunite with them though. Once again, I'll make clear that my Dauntless bravery isn't my biggest value anymore.

I am Beatrice-"Tris" Prior, who went into hiding after my staged death. I have my regrets of leaving, but it was for the best. If I keep reminding myself, convincing myself that it was for the greater good, it may embed in my mind, and it will become so normal that it will fade in its familiarity, and no longer a nightmare.

And that is what keeps me here in this small house with three windows.

So I'm publishing this to see how it does. I'll probably end up publishing the rest anyway, but just for starters.