Emergent

Chapter Four

My memories of him flash before my eyes. His jokes he told on the way home from school in the Abnegation sector. His betrayal, but his attempts to show me he did love me, and that faction before blood wasn't important to him any longer. His look of fear and shock when I said I would go in the safe instead of him. All play over, a video on repeat. I wish I had believed him before. Let him back into my life. Maybe if I had he wouldn't be standing in my doorway with an expression that makes me shudder.

He looks at me, blinks a few times, shakes his head a little. When my face doesn't go away, and I am still me, standing before him, he leans in a little. He scans my face, squinting and chewing his lip, until he finally whispers "Beatrice?" I don't know what to do. I can't back away now, and I have suddenly lost my ability of speech. When I eliminate all other options, I wrap him in an awkward hug, and try to hold back tears. This should be a happy affair, but I can only think of how bad this is. How this can, and probably will, ruin everything. All the weeks at the bureau and two and a half years of success, of me not being found, not even thought to be alive, all ruined by me looking out a window.

It takes a few moments for Caleb to finally wrap his arms around me and hug me back, but he quickly pulls away and looks me in the eyes. "But, wha-, why, how?" He asks with half happiness and half genuine curiosity. Erudite traits.

"Um, how about you c-come in?" I stutter. He tenses at the sound of my voice. I would too, if the situation was reversed.

I lead Caleb into the house and sit down on the couch. I pat the spot next to me, but he sits across from me, sitting with caution. He shouldn't be afraid of me, but he is. Should I be afraid of him? Past events have proved I'm not afraid of things I should be.

I'm scared of what is going to happen next. I never wanted to hurt him, my leaving wasn't a result of anything he had done, aware of which anyway. I don't want him to be mad, but I don't want him to get attatched too easily. Who's to say what will happen next.

"So," Caleb asks "what's up with you?". I smile slightly, and his face warms up a bit. Not much, but enough that I can relax slightly. I didn't know I was that tense. "Well um-" I don't know what to say. I could say 'not much', but that's a lie. I say it anyway. "Not much, in the past while at least." He frowns.

"Not much?" He presses, anger rising in his voice. "That's a little weird, being you're alive and we all thought you, you know, weren't." I grimace. I knew I shouldn't have said that. My mistake, as always.

"I'm sorry Caleb, I-" he interrupts me.

"Why? What was the reason? What?" He yells, getting up from his chair. I stand and tense again. Although I'm standing as straight as my spine would allow, I feel small. The same way I do when I feel threatened. Something doesn't feel right about being threatened by my brother.

He calms himself down and sighs.

"Look Beatrice, I'm not mad at you. But you just- you need to come home! I mean..." He stops and sits back down. I saty standing. "I, we, all of us, we really miss you."

I can't speak. They missed me, they really did. Caleb wasn't Candor, but wouldn't lie about something like this. A sudden spark of hope for forgiveness runs through me. It is replaced by a pang of guilt. What have I done to them?

"Beatrice, I'm going to take you home."

Fear rises in my stomach. Or maybe it was my breakfast. I can't tell the difference.

"N-no." Tears burn at the backs of my eyes "I can't."