The Silent Game

I remembered that it was cold and way past midnight. I was alone, curled up in my bed. I had finally stopped crying then. Finally, I thought, finally.

I didn't know that what comes next would be way worse.

I was eleven then, when I first felt it.

My chest started constricting, like my heart was being carved right out of me - pulling apart the strings, leaving a gaping hollowness that numbs me. I felt heady, suffocating from the emptiness that burst and corrupted my insides, it tears- oh how it tears, and tortures until I was all mangled skin and bones.

I had to make it stop.

Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopstopstopstopstop.

My mind craved for coherence but it was crumbling apart, splintering, on overdrive - insanity conquered it. I thought of tearing my head out, bashing it in. I wanted it, needed it. I was a mess, I felt so out of it - so out of myself. 

I was terrified. 

I couldn't take it. I needed to feel again. God, I need to feel any thing, just not this, please just not this.

So I tried clawing at my neck, pinching my arms, biting my fingers until they were raw and bloodied while excruciating pain runs through me again and again and again. It hurt, it hurt so fucking much, but I had to do it, it was the only way.

Fuck!

A painful screeching noise tore through my skull. It pounded incessantly in my head, I felt like dying, I think I was, I almost wished for it. 

Just to escape this feeling, dying would be a sweet relief.

It was only by the time my parents found me that I realized that the noise came from me, that I was screaming at the top of my lungs, shrieking.

But I didn't stop, even when they tried to comfort me - I couldn't.

Their shaky fingers held me and their trembling voices tried desperately to soothe me but it wasn't working. I couldn't even remember what they were saying. 

My dad had been a mess, my mom was barely holding it together but still, she managed, somehow, to take me in her arms, cradle me, whisper words repeatedly in my ears. 

And in the softness of her hands and sweetness of her voice, I felt warmth and a tingly feeling course through me, filling my cracks and edges - mending them until serenity washed over me and cleansed me anew.

I remembered her words then, they're now engraved deep within the crevices of my soul. It plays in my head, that silly chant about a little game, over and over, like a nursery rhyme, like a timeless song.

" Shhh, my darling

Calm your heart

Let's play a game

A silent game

Just hold my hand

Take deep breaths

Close your eyes

And hush your voice 

Hush now on the count of three, no noise to be uttered

no words to be spoken

See nothing, do nothing

But feel, just feel, my little darling

1...2...3..."

That's when I flew for the first time.

★★★

Stay Awesome <3

____________________________________

Copyright infringement is the use of works protected by copyright law without permission, infringing certain exclusive rights granted to the copyright holder, such as the right to reproduce, distribute, display or perform the protected work, or to make derivative works.

© 2017 D. Del Castillo

All Rights Reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests address to the author itself.