Longing for the Sea

dreams

I'm far from the same person I was before my parents got divorced.

The nightmares are unavoidable. I can't sleep, and my dreams haunt me with images of my grandparents on both sides of the family. I dream that my loved ones hate me, that I'm in danger, and I feel an incredible amount of pain even by writing about this.

The divorce has scarred me in many ways.

I had a mini crash into a panic attack the other day. It was caused by reliving so many of these memories by writing and talking about my experiences, but I don't regret sharing stories of my struggles. I want to help other people who are going through this. Depression is a scary beast that so many people feel like they have to suffer through alone, but you far from alone. So many people in the world suffer from this, and I wish people would be more open to talking about it.

I try to get enough sleep. I even take medicine to help me with this. But there are some nights that my medication cannot get under control, and have horrifying nightmares of my grandfather beating my mother or family members coming back to haunt me. My past constantly comes back to haunt me, and I wonder how I could ever be happy after the things I've gone through.

An immense amount of distress has been the result of the divorce. There will be moments where I forget where I am, and I'll question if I'm dreaming. I'm in a constant state of paranoia that my loved ones will leave me. It's hard to trust anyone because I'm constantly comparing others to my father or my grandparents, and I push people away because of this.

I feel like I'm going crazy when I have a panic attack. I feel like I've lost my mind, and I feel like a complete failure. I've done all this work to recover, and suddenly something bad comes along and wrecks it. Everything I've spent weeks to fix can be destroyed in a matter of minutes.

I want the dreams to go away. It's hard enough to relive those memories in my conscious mind, so imagine how difficult it is to experience them once more when I close my eyes. I'm so tired of feeling like this. This has been years of torture, and I'm just so ready for it to be gone. Realistically, I know it won't go away. This is something I'll have to live with forever. I have to live with my anxiety instead of letting it do the living for me.

No matter how much I heal, this pain will always be in the back of my mind. I want to shove it away and never think about it again, but the harder I try to get rid of it, it comes right back.

Let me live, depression. Let me live in peace. Stop coming back to scream in my ear when all is well. I'm tired of letting you control me. I feel so out of control of who I am when you're near, and I hate you so much for everything you have done to me. You have wrecked my happiness for days on end, and I wish you could leave. I wish you could be evicted from living in my head. There's not even any room for you in there, so just pack up your things and let me be.