Longing for the Sea

anxiety's day

She woke and stared at the ceiling, her head pounding and heart racing. Each breath felt heavy in her chest, and she was itching to get out of bed and do something. Her mind was screaming, "Get up! We need to do something!" while another part of her longed to stay in bed forever.

Her hand was shaking, and she felt like she had just finished running a marathon. She desperately wanted to relax, but she couldn't get her brain to comprehend that she wasn't in danger. It felt like the world was ending around her even though she knew it really wasn't. It was hard to get her brain to think rationally in these moments, and her animalistic fight or flight response couldn't help but kick in when it wasn't necessary whatsoever.

She felt like a failure because after all this time, she thought the panic attacks were gone. But right when life started to feel normal, she knew they would come back. She couldn't simply live a normal life; she was stuck in this endless cycle of torture from her own brain.

No matter how many therapists she saw, medicines she tried, and coping mechanisms she practiced, she felt like there was nothing she could do to live with her anxiety. She knew it would never be cured, but she wanted to learn how to control her life instead of letting her anxiety control her life for her. She was tired of turning down opportunities because of her anxiety, missing school because of panic attacks, not being able to sleep at night, and feeling so on edge all the time.

Every single day in February, Ashley felt like this. For many other months than just this, she felt exactly like what has been described above. She could try sitting her and lying to you about her typical day in the life, but this is the straight up truth of what she went through for months. Anxiety robbed her of having a somewhat normal life; it took away so many things from her when she gave it control of her daily routine.

She felt so out of control and so angry with herself for having this horrible condition. If only there was a magic pill that could miraculously get rid of her excess anxiety and make life easier to live? But unfortunately there wasn't, and there wasn't anything she could do other than try to manage it as best as possible.

It's exhausting to spend your days over thinking and wondering if your friends and family secretly despise you. It's heartbreaking to push them away and snap at them when you're in the middle of an anxiety attack, and you can't help but feel guilty afterward. Anxiety can turn you into a person you never thought you were, and it makes you think and say ideas that have never been yours. It's like having a second person in your brain making all your decisions for you, but no matter how loud you scream above their voice, their instructions drown out any rationality. You feel possessed and out of control, and you would give anything to feel in control for even just a moment. Your soul aches for just one moment of peace and happiness without anxiety screaming into your ear.

Don't even get me started on depression. That's a whole different aspect of this especially when anxiety and depression are constantly playing tug-of-war in your brain for control over your thoughts. Anxiety wants to get up and go while depression wants to sit and sulk all day. Their battle can tear you apart in so many ways.