The Sound of Ice

18

I groan as I scratch out my work. "Shit, I just did this wrong."

Sam's leaning against the dresser, typing something on his laptop. He squints up at me. "Did you forget the negative sign?"

"Um..." I tap my pencil against my head and scan through the numbers. "Oh, yeah, I did." I don't bother asking anymore how he knows every single time. 

I erase the problem in my notebook as I glance out the window. The bare trees are shaking in the wind, and the sky is a cloudless grey-blue. A woman wearing a heavy coat walks her dog beside the train tracks. 

I turn back to my notebook. "Okay, so sixteen is actually a negative sixteen. So I plug in the negative sixteen here and bring over the..." My eyes flicker up at Sam. He's looking at me. "What?"

"Can I tell you something?" His hands are frozen on his keyboard.

"Sure."

"I think I'm gay."

His eyes are very, very blue. "Oh," I say. 

"Are you - is that okay?" 

"Of course."

"Okay." Sam smiles softly. "Are you sure it's okay? You look a little scared."

"No, of course it's okay," I say, trying to smile back, but I am scared.

Henry. Henry. Henry. Henry. Henry. Henry Henry Henry Henry Henry.

"Okay," Sam says again. 

"Have you -" I clear my throat. "Have you told anyone else yet?"

"I told my uncle. He doesn't really care. I guess I'll tell Trina and my other friends at school. Maybe just let your family know? It's not that big of a deal, I just... I don't know."

"Okay," I say.

"Okay," he says.

"How long have you known?"

"I don't know." Sam picks at a thread in his sweatshirt and thinks about it. "I guess awhile?"

"Oh," I say.

He smiles. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, just a little surprised, that's all."

"I'm sorry. I hope this doesn't change anything between us."

"Sorry for what? Don't be dumb, of course not."

"Okay." 

I chew on the eraser of my pencil and try to focus again on my math homework. My heart is pounding like crazy. 

Crying ninth grader with a bloody nose. 

The thick scent of smoke at church. 

You little shit.

Sam with a bloody nose. 

The thick scent of smoke and the sound of the rain, and the color of blood on linoleum floor. 

I press the tip of my pencil too hard against the paper, and the lead snaps. 

Sam sighs and stretches. "Anyway, I should get going."

"Okay." 

He stands up and slides his laptop into his backpack, looking up at me. "Cameron, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. Just, if anyone gives you trouble about it, come tell me, okay?"

Sam laughs. "Cameron, I'll be fine. But thank you. You're a good friend." 

The color of blood. I squeeze my eyes shut. I don't know why I feel this way. 

~

Mom is chopping red peppers, the sharp scent of spices making my nose tingle. I sit at the kitchen table beside Veronica. There's a cross hanging above the window. I clear my throat. 

"So, Sam is gay," I say. 

Mom stops chopping. Veronica glances up briefly. 

"Okay," says Veronica. 

"Oh," says Mom. 

"If you wanted to know." My stomach twists. "Is that okay, Mom?"

"Oh," Mom says again. "Well, that's fine. I mean, Sam is like family."

"Of course he is," says Veronica. 

"I may not always understand it, but I'm certainly not against it." Mom resumes chopping her peppers. 

I feel dizzy, and I rub my head. "Yeah," I say. 

Mom pops a slice of pepper in her mouth. "Should you two be alone together?"

"Mom, I'm - we're not - I'm not gay."

She raises her eyebrows. I didn't mean to sound so angry. Maybe I am angry. 

"Okay," she says. 

Veronica turns a page in her book and glances up at me. "Don't look so stressed, Cameron."

"I'm not stressed. Where's Hailey?"

"At Annabelle's," Mom says. 

"Okay," I say. "When's my doctor's appointment?"

"Tomorrow."

"Okay." I crack my knuckles. "Well, I'm going to go finish my homework."

I know they're both watching me as I walk out of the kitchen on my crutches. With my good leg, I press my bedroom door shut behind me.

I think I'm just tired. I stare at the poster on my ceiling.