The Sound of Ice

32

"Cameron Beckett, who returned from World Juniors not too long ago with a gold medal around his neck, has just come out as gay."

"That's right, Earl. Beckett is seventeen years old and plays for the St. Anne Lions, and is looking high on the rankings for the NHL draft picks this summer."

"Jim, he's obviously gifted at hockey. No doubt about that. But the question is, Is the NHL ready for an out, gay player?"

"You want to change the channel?"

I tear my eyes away from the television screen and look at Veronica. She's sprawled out across the couch, scrolling through her cell phone, but her wide eyes are focused on me.

"I don't know," I say.

"Switch to channel 54!" says Hailey, running from the kitchen and jumping on the couch. Her hair is in a messy ponytail, and she grins as she grabs the remote from the coffee table. A new show pops up on the television, two middle school kids that make witty comments as an audience laughs, and I exhale. 

Veronica puts her phone down. "Cameron, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Do you have practice tonight?"

"Yeah, I have practice tonight."

Hailey leans against my arm, her eyes still glued to the screen. "Cameron, are you okay?"

"Yeah, everyone, I'm fine." Jesus.

I'd rather sleep or watch an old movie or something than go to practice, but with Coach getting more intense and the games getting harder, I need to be there. I push myself up from the couch and Hailey flops to her side. 

"Drive safe, Cam," says Veronica, all serious. 

What the hell is happening to my family? "'K, Ronny."

She makes a face. She hates that nickname like I hate mine. 

"When Mom gets home, tell her I'll be home from practice later tonight. Coach is making everyone stay late."

"Okay," she says. Her eyes follow me until I grab the car keys and I'm out the door.

In the car, Ethan turns on the 80s station and sings under his breath, tapping on the dashboard in time with the beat. At least there some things that are normal. 

~

When I walk in the locker room, the quiet murmur of chatter turns to dead silence. 

I sling my bag to the ground and glance around at my teammates. Eyes blink at me, hands frozen at the bottom of shirts like they're afraid to get undressed. "Um..."  My breathing gets tight. 

"What are you guys staring at? The kid is gay, we get it. He's still the best fucking player there is, so put your jerseys on." Matthew slams his locker shut for emphasis. Thank god for Matthew. Who knew I would be saying that?

"It's just fucking gross." Luke Chan's voice is deadly as he throws a harsh glare at me from across the room, and all eyes shift to him. "I didn't know we had a fag on our team."

"Luke, don't say that," says Ollie quietly beside him. "Cameron is our friend."

"I'm not friends with him anymore."

Okay, ouch. It's not like Luke and I have ever been best friends, but I thought we were cool.

"Shut up, Luke," Ethan says coldly. 

Luke shakes his head, his face contorted with ugly anger. "It makes me sick. Come on, I know I'm not the only one here." 

"Don't be a little shit," says Matthew. "You think this team really needs you on it?"

"Yeah, it does," says Luke. "I don't go making out with other dudes, so there's a plus."

"I'm on the team." Finally, found my voice. Everyone's head swivels back to me. "I'm the co-captain of this team, actually. I'm here to play hockey. If you're not, get out."

Luke scowls. "Yeah, right," he mutters under his breath, breaking his stare with me and turning back to his locker. "You deserve a concussion and more, just like that other fag that you've been spending all your time with..."

I don't really remember going after him. It all goes kinda blurry, and I'm just grabbing for his skin and I don't stop when I see blood. And then Ethan and Ollie are pulling me back, and I'm crying. 

"Fuck you," I say, but my body is shaking and sobs are choking out of me and it hurts to breathe, and I'm trying to pull out of my teammate's tight grasps. 

Luke is bending over, catching blood that drips down from his nose. "Whatever," he spits, dangerously quiet, and marches out of the locker room. The door slams shut and everyone goes quiet again, except for my shaky breathing. Things hurt a lot.

"Don't listen to him," says Ethan. He runs a hand through his hair. "What a... jerk."

"Yeah," says Ollie softly. "We don't care that you're gay, Cameron. It's okay."

People chime in quietly. I press my hand to my forehead. "Let's just go to practice," I say.

~

Sam presses an ice pack against my eye and I wince. "We're matching."

"Jesus, this is cold. Sam, everyone sucks."

"I don't suck."

"Yeah, you don't suck."

He pulls the ice pack away. "I'm sorry Luke said that." 

I didn't tell him everything, though. Just enough.

"I thought you two were friends."

"Well, apparently not." I touch the tender skin under my eye and bite my lip as pain blossoms underneath my fingertips. "Anyway, I knew some people would get mad." And honestly, thinking about it, I feel like Luke has always hated me a little. 

He leans into my shoulder and I pull my arm around him, and his body is warm against my chest.  He breathes deeply. "Things are gonna work out."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Do you wanna watch a movie or something?"

"Yeah."

But we don't move from my bed, and I breathe into his hair.