Unravelled

Chapter 8

The day she dropped me off was my first day back at rehearsal for Fifth Harmony after Christmas break.

I haven't seen her since.

Weeks had passed before I even got a text from her. The only message she sent me said:

I owe you an explanation. For everything. So I'm saying it in my music. That way you have time to make up your mind without me blurring your judgement, and you don't have to worry about us sneaking around and getting caught. If the music changes your mind, I'll understand. If it doesn't, then we'll be certain we were right to give this a shot. Either way, I need this space while I write the music and start the dialogue in the songs.

I haven't seen or heard from her since, but I just found out on twitter that she's released two songs. And by 'found out' I mean her fans incessantly tagged me telling me the songs were about me. The first song I hear is 'Crying in the Club'.

I love it, but I don't feel like she wrote most of the song herself; she used to sing me her original songs and I think I know her well enough to distinguish between her words and someone else's. I check the writing credits and sure enough, Camila's one of multiple co-writers. The song that all the fans had been tagging me in was 'I Have Questions'. I click on the lyric video and read:

Why did you leave me here to burn?
I'm way too young to be this hurt
I feel doomed in hotel rooms
Staring straight up at the wall
Counting wounds and I am trying to numb them all
Do you care, do you care?
Why don't you care?
I gave you all of me
My blood, my sweat, my heart, and my tears
Why don't you care, why don't you care?
I was there, I was there, when no one was
Now you're gone and I'm here
I have questions for you
Number one, tell me who you think you are
You got some nerve trying to tear my faith apart
(I have questions for you)
Number two, why would you try and play me for a fool?
I should have never ever ever trusted you (I have questions)
Number three, why weren't you, who you swore that you would be?
I have questions, I got questions haunting me
I have questions for you
I have questions for you (I have questions)
I have questions for you
My, my name was safest in your mouth
And why'd you have to go and spit it out?
Oh, your voice, it was the most familiar sound
But it sounds so dangerous to me now
I have questions for you
Number one, tell me who you think you are
You got some nerve trying to tear my faith apart
(I have questions for you)
Number two, why would you try and play me for a fool?
I should have never ever ever trusted you
I have questions for you
I have questions for you
I have questions for you (I have questions)
I have questions for you
Do you care, do you care?
Why don't you care?
I gave you all of me
My blood, my sweat, my heart, and my tears
Why don't you care, why don't you care?
I was there, I was there, when no one was
Now you're gone and I'm here
I have questions for you, ooh
I have questions for you
I have questions for you (I have questions)
I have questions for you (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
I have questions for you, ooh
I have questions for you (foul play, no, foul play, no)
I have questions for you (I have questions)
I have questions for you
I have questions for you
How do I fix it? Can we talk? Can we communicate? Can we talk? Do I wanna fix it?
I have questions for you (I'm afraid of you)
Is it my fault? Is it my fault? Do you miss me?
I have questions

I don't even realise that I'm crying until I raise my arm to fix my hair and brush against the tears streaming down my face. I know she wrote this about me, because every word she sang felt like a dagger being thrown at my heart. My chest literally aches. All I keep asking myself is when did she write this? Was it when I came out? Was it when everything with Lucy happened? Was it our fight on the 7/27 tour? What the fuck did I do to make her feel this low? My heart hurts.

To think I literally just cut my vocals for the song with Ashley as well...time has a crazy way of working itself out. The song actually drops next week, and until now I couldn't directly relate to the words that I sang on the record; I didn't have a dramatic breakup with Lucy, and whilst Camz and I were never in a relationship and the lyrics don't explicitly relate to our situation, the feelings are such a close parallel that when I play back my verse on 'Strangers' I vibe to it in a totally different way...

She doesn't call me on the phone anymore
She's never listening,
She says it's innocent
She doesn't let me have control anymore
I must've crossed a line
I must've lost my mind

...We're not lovers
We're just strangers
With the same damn hunger
To be touched, to be loved
To feel anything at all...

I miss the mornings with you laying in my bed
I miss the memories replaying in my head
I miss the thought of a forever
You and me
But all you're missing is my body.

*********************************

The song dropped today, and the response has been genuinely overwhelming. I am so proud of the song and its broader significance, but to be honest I'm mostly proud because it's just a good ass fucking pop song and we both sound dope on it.

But with fan responses also come friend responses. I check my texts, something that's honestly rare at this point in my life. I have over 400 unread messages, some from so called 'old friends' that claim we were besties before this all blew up, and some that I just honestly never got round to responding to.

The top two messages that I have say the exact same thing.

Is the song about me?

Lucy and Camila, both people that I haven't seen or spoken to in MONTHS, just sent me the same damn text.

Fuck.

A/N: (Lauren voice) you miss me?(; I'm trying to give the story some continuity after picking it up again after a few months..and I'm trying to bring it all back to present day, cuz I enjoy making a parallel Camren universe as life unravels in real time lol. So sorry if the story has jumped around, bear with me and it'll be flowing again soon enough! Enjoy and come say hi on tumblr @hoeregui xo