As We Lost the Light

XIV.

I was standing up against the bus, my back pressed against the cool metal, my eyes fixated up at the stars that sparkled in the night sky; they seemed to be more brilliant out here, the sky free of the haze that always lingered over the West Coast. Vic and the guys should be finishing their interview anytime, and then we would load the bus and head to Denver, where I would have to say goodbye to my boyfriend once again. Our impending separation was weighing heavy on me, and adding that to the fact that we had yet to have a chance to finish our earlier conversation, I was anything but thrilled for this night to come to an end.

My eyes were still fixated on the vast expanse above me when I felt a body slide up next to me, an arm wrapping around my waist, lips pressing against my hair. I leaned into Vic's body momentarily before I turned so that I was facing him, snaking my arms around his waist. He pressed his cheek against my forehead - Vic wasn't tall by any stretch of the imagination, but he towered a few inches over me. He smelled of a mixture of body wash and whiskey, and I inhaled deeply, forcing myself to memorize that scent so I had something to cling to for the next month before he returned home. He suddenly took a step back, out of my arms, and grabbed my hand.

"Let's take a walk," he said as my eyes drifted to meet his.

"We have to get back on the bus, Vic."

He gave me a crooked smile and tugged on my hand gently, my feet moving forward as I fell into step with him. "We have time." He led me past a security guard and out onto a sidewalk, the pavement leading to a small park that was tucked discretely behind the venue. Vic kept his fingers intertwined with mine as we shuffled through the night.

"I wasn't ready." His voice was matter-of-fact, his words breaking through the sound of the crickets chirping from behind the trees. I looked over at him, furrowing my brow in confusion. He swallowed hard. "The first time..with us."

"What do you mean?" I asked, still unsure of what he was trying to say. He led me toward a bench that was subtly illuminated by a single street lamp and took a seat, tugging on my arm so I would follow suit. He looked down to where his fingers were tangled with mine and I squeezed, silently asking him to continue.

"I think...I don't know. I guess I wasn't ready for something so serious. I wasn't ready to settle down; I think that's what it ultimately boiled down to. And I know that doesn't make much sense. We were together a long time, we had a home together, we were settled. But I don't know. I couldn't see myself letting it go any farther than that. It wasn't that I didn't love you - I did. Very much. But," he paused, "Shit, this just sounds like I'm making excuses. That's not what I'm trying to do."

"I know, Vic. It's okay. Just tell me how you feel. I want to know."

He sighed again. "I'm not good at sharing my feelings." He looked over at me and I gave him a sad smile.

"You're doing fine," I replied, giving his hand another reassuring squeeze.

"I guess, I think I was just too immature, Sadie. I wasn't ready for the responsibility; I wanted to keep partying and playing music and doing whatever I wanted. Those were my priorities and you...weren't one."

My heart sunk a little as his voice trailed off, but I did my best to hide it from him. He was finally putting into words all of the things that he had once vehemently denied. I was finally getting the answers I needed. After all this time.

"And I," he continued, "I was scared. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back I believe it. I had never really loved anyone before you, not in the same way. And it freaked me out. I never wanted to depend on another person for my happiness and when I felt that I needed you too much I backed away." He paused again, gauging my reaction. "Do you hate me?" His words sounded so broken.

I shook my head. "Of course not, Vic. I didn't hate you then, either. I never could. I asked you to tell me - I can't blame you for your feelings."

"But you can blame me for my actions." He pulled his hand from mine and jumped up in one swift motion, putting distance between us. "The way I treated you...the way I spoke to you..."

"I forgive you," I said, and he spun to face me. "I can't say it's okay. But I do forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago, Vic." Silence settled around us again, Vic staring over my shoulder, his eyes focused on something in the distance.

"Why did you stay? You put up with me for four years. Why?"

I was taken aback by his question; he had never asked me that before. His eyes returned to mine and I shrugged.

"Because I loved you. Because it wasn't always bad. And because...I kept hoping things would change. I was willing to stick around to find out - until it eventually became clear that they never would." I blinked back a few tears as memories flooded my mind; that final fight, that final kiss, walking out that front door, our front door, and never looking back.

"Sadie," he whispered.  His phone began ringing from inside his pocket, interrupting him, and he cursed under his breath as he lifted it to his ear. "Hey....okay, yeah....we'll be right there." He shoved his phone back into his pocket. "Bus call. It's time to go."

I groaned softly, hoping Vic wouldn't hear - at this rate we were never going to get the chance to finish this conversation. I pushed myself to a standing position and took a step in the direction we had came. But before I could get too far Vic's arms reached out, pulling me tight against him, his hands coming to rest on the small of my back as his lips found mine.

I kissed him a back eagerly, melting into his touch. He pulled away much sooner than I would have like, his breath washing over my face. "Things have changed, Sadie," he murmured as he stared deep into my soul. "I have my priorities straight now. And I'm no longer afraid to need you. The only thing I'm afraid of now is losing you again."

"That won't happen, baby," I replied as I leaned up, pressing my lips against his once more. "I promise."