There's SOME Art In Here

I hate myself and I hate who I am

I don't think a cisgender or agender person will ever be able to relate to anything in this chapter but it really is difficult.

I am not religious. I go to church once in a blue moon because my family thinks that a religion is going to give us an afterlife when in reality it's just taking more of our life away. I actually really hate my church because everybody is so judgemental there. You have to be a straight cisgender person for them to actually like you.

Well that's too fucking bad because I'm a homoromantic pansexual transgender, get off my case.

Today they had a special "father's day" sermon and sang a lot of songs about our father(s) and stuff.

One of the song broke up into male and female parts and omg I was about to tail-tuck it out of there. I was already incredibly uncomfortable and it was getting progressively harder for me to breath and stand without moving and then they decided to do a prayer and my dad had to put his hand over top of mine. I was incredibly uncomfortable! I was holding back trying to not pull my hand away. I hate church.

Oh! Before they actually start they have this 'greeting' where everybody goes around and says good morning and shit like that. People kept hugging me and I just--- why do they have to touch me? I'm okay with a hand shake or something like that but people I only ever see once a month, sometimes less, hugging me? No. Ew. I'm okay with human interactions and touching but not hugging.

After church I always hate myself.

Why did I have to be born with an attraction to the same gender? Why was I born the wrong gender? It doesn't make any sense!

My stomach feels increasingly small and there's a clenching in my lungs and it's hard to breath and I just hate myself for it!

Don't say anything.

I don't like being an edgy teen. It really annoys me, but I feel so upset and angry about who I am that I just can't help it.

I don't need anybody's support. I don't need anybody to tell me it's okay and that I'll get through this. I'm self aware! I know it's okay, and I know I can get through this, but here and now is the hardest time.

I'm going back to sleep.
More art tomorrow.
That's why I created this book, anyways.