Missed Connections

Missed Connections: Chapter 32

Chapter 32

The whole situation makes me feel like crap, but if nothing else, the hippie weekend made me realize that Blake is the one I need to be with, the one I want even more than Jack, which is saying a lot. If Blake and I had never met, who knows what Jack and I might have eventually been?

But I have to focus on the future, and that means telling Blake I'm ready to meet right now. I don't know if Jack and I will ever be able to be friends again. I don't know if Blake and I will work in person. But I know I want to give him my full heart and a fair chance. He's the smart choice, and it's time for me to grow up.

Being so out of my depth with Fern and Ziggy eroded my self-confidence in ways I hadn't expected and can only see now that I know I'm not going back to Inner Space. I wanted to fit in so badly that I overlooked how shitty they truly were to me, and it made me doubt my decision-making abilities, even when it came to Blake and Jack. I was so paralyzed about making the wrong decision that I wasn't able to make any decision at all.

Then seeing the way Fern and Ziggy cheated people and lied to us at the retreat was like a bucket of cold water poured over my body.

I need to be true to myself, but I need to keep other people in mind too and not justify my own bullshit like Fern and Ziggy do. Maybe I'm making the wrong choice in the long run, but I don't think I am. And even if I am, that's what life's about. At least I'll have put myself out there and tried to do the right thing, tried to be a good person.

Jack and Blake deserve someone who's going to give them one hundred percent. I can only give that to one man. I refuse to give less than that to one man.

The weight of my mom's history falls from my shoulders.

I'm not like her, and I never will be. I made the best decision, and I'm sticking with it. A smile takes over my face, and I turn my computer on and wait for it to boot up. Then I spring up and look around in the fridge. Do I have anything I can make for a dinner? I find a baking chicken and vegetables. Homey and perfect. I log on to Skype and message Blake, though he's away.

Me: I want you to come over tonight. Online isn't enough anymore. I want us to be a real couple, live and in person. Come over for dinner. I want to see you in 3D.

God, why do I feel so nervous? We've talked so much, and I'm making the right decision. But what will it be like in person? Will the conversations flow as smoothly, the truth come out as freely when the screens and anonymity are taken away? My nerves are like honeybees, buzzing beneath my skin. I push away from the computer and pace around, wondering, savoring the sharp, sweet sensation. What if our sexual chemistry pales compared to Jack and me? It doesn't matter. Some relationships are a slow burn. What we have is so satisfying that we'll make it work.

My computer chimes with a reply.

Him: What time?

Seven? That gives me just over two hours. I send my address.

Him: I'll be there.

Shit. Is that enough time to get ready? My gaze pings-pongs around the apartment. It's okay, but not perfect. See you then.

I log off and run around tidying things that are out of place or embarrassing. He wouldn't judge me for all the chick flicks in my DVD stand, but I move some of the cooler movies and classics to the top to display them more prominently. Half an hour later, after dusting and sweeping and vacuuming, I catch sight of my reflection while scouring the bathroom.

Shit! I forgot all about myself. Flat hair, pale skin from lack of sleep. Dark circles beneath my eyes. I have a situation here and might need more than an hour to fix it. My chest rises and falls as I breathe way too heavily—and suddenly I start laughing.