Too Skinny

Depression Sucks

You have no idea how it feels to be completely confused and sick, but have everyone around you telling you that you're fine and that you'll be out of there in no time. I'm sorry, but I won't be. When I finally got to the hospital, the doctors checked me up and found out that I had a tumor the size of my fist embedded in my brain. I asked them why I couldn't feel my legs and they told me that I had a very mysterious case of cancer. I asked what they meant about that, and they said that once the tumor developed, another virus developed as well. Geom Barre. 

Quick Authors Note: I just wanted to let you know (for people who don't know what Geom Barre is) that Geom Barre is a syndrome where all of your nerve cells attack themselves. It can lead to paralazation and in extreme cases: death. This is nothing to joke about. I of all people know that. I have watched one of my family members in the hospital in this condition and it was nothing to laugh about. I admit that when I first saw him in the hospital, I was shocked. He was supposed to be strong, not sitting in his hospital bed, and not being able to feel his legs or fingers. It was a traumatic experience. But luckily, he got better and was able to come home, and I am very lucky that he didn't die. 

At first, I didn't know what to say. I had cancer and a rare syndrome. Oh, and don't forget my Anorexia disease. That was just great. When I was finally getting better, I had to get cancer and Geom Barre. The worst part was that I didn't get to go home. They started me on chemo as soon as they found the tumor. Before they took me to the chemo room, they gave me a couple pills. One was called Emend which was for 3 day nausea relief after the chemo treatment, Dexamethasone which was for the 3 days after chemo, and finally Zofran which was an 8 hour relief form nausea. Then they gave me a liter of Sodium Choride with Potassium. Then they took me in to the chemo room. I was horrified at first. I didn't want poison running through my veins, I didn't want to be vomiting, and I sure as heck didn't want to lose my hair. I walked in to a room that contained a chair and an IV looking thing. They sat me on the chair and put a needle in to my skin and then I just sat there, watching the fluid slowly drain out of the tube, through the wire thingy and in to my vein. If this was chemo, then it wasn't all that bad. It didn't hurt, and it ddn't take that long. After chemo, they brought me back to the hospital room and they treated me for the Geom Barre. It was the same thing as the chemo, but I wasn't sitting in a chair, and I wasn't that scared because the side effects didn't include losing hair, or vomiting. So I just picked up my computer and plugged in my headphones. I was about to click on Netflix when I remembered that I had forgotten to tell them about one other health problem. My epilepsy. I pressed the nurse button and Maggie (my Thursday nurse) came rushing in. 

"How may I help you Flower?" she asks. I smile politely and usher her closer. 

"I forgot to tell you about another one of my health problems." I say, blood rushing to my cheeks. 

"And what health problem would that be?" she asks as she takes the clipboard from the end of the bed. A pen in her hand, she waits for me to tell her so she can write it down. 

"Epilepsy Maggie. I have epilepsy." her face goes stone. Her chest doesn't move up and down as it did before. It looks like sh'es in shock. She quickly regains herself and smiles. 

"Well Flower. Congratulations. You are the first person that I know that I has 4 major life threatening diseases." she shakes her head and ticks off something on the clipboard. I smile and put the headphones on my ears. 

                                                           ........................................................

 My brush falls to the floor and I open my mouth to scream. Nurses rush in and ask me repeatedly whats wrong and whats bothering me. All I do is point to the hairbrush. They all fall quite and usher me back into my bed. They calm me down by bringing me my computer and staying with me for awhile while I watch movies. Maggie leaves for about 5 minutes and she returns holding a pink and blue bandana in her hand. She walks over to me and wraps it around my head. Lightly her hands touch my scalp. They feel like feathers. They are gentle and cold to the touch. I wonder if I should tell her that she had freezing cold fingers. When she's done, she steps back and hands me a mirror. I look into my reflection and I see dark purple bags under my eyes. My skin is a see through white. If I looked beautiful before, I no longer do. My eyebrows are gone and so is the rest of my hair. The bandana covers my bald head, but it makes me feel like.....like I'm one of those kids in commercials about how by donating even a dollar, you could save someones life. A tear rolls down my cheek as I think about the life I've lived. The days and years I'd spent in solitude. They weeks that I finally felt that I could actually be.....normal for a change. I finally realized what was keeping me from saying all those years when I wasn't eating: the possibility that I might meet someone who loved me and understood me. I've met that person. I've finally met a person that knows me and can understand me and someone who doesn't look at me from the outside, but from the inside. Now that I have found this person.......I can finally die. I put down the mirror, my cheeks stained with tears, and look at my nurses. I shake my head and put on my headphones so I can drown out the world. I'm not ready to fight. I'm not ready to get better from all of these diseases. I'm ready to finally let go. I'm ready to finally walk through those white doors and meet the person who created Adam and Eve. I'm ready to die. I look up at Maggie and see that she is crying too.

"I'm ready." I say through my tears. All she does is nod her head and walk out.