Too Skinny

Dying Isn't As Hard As It Sounds

Thank you guys so much for all of the reads and the love. You guys are what keeps m writing. <3 STAY STRONG!

I lay on my bed and look up at the ceiling. How could it end this way? How? I haven't lived my life yet. I haven't had my first kid and I haven't gotten married. I can't let this disease kill me that easily. I have to fight. Not only for myself, but for my family, friends and my loving boyfriend. I gasp and try to get up, but someone puts there hands on my chest and guides me back to a laying position. I'm out of breath and I close my eyes to rest for a bit, when Will takes my hand. My eyes pop open and he smiles at me, tears in his eyes. My eyes start to sting with tears and I squeeze his hand.

"I'm scared Will." I say. He nods and bends down to press his lips to mine. My breath turns shaky and Will breaks in to a sob. Not a calm and quite sob, but a loud and hectic sob. I put my hand on his cheek and press my forehead to his and try to calm him down. He takes a shaky breath and lets me go. I slump back to my pillow and take a really long breath. I have to stay strong for him. I don't think that anyone knows how much pain I'm in right now. My head feels like its going to fall off from all of this pain. I feel like I'm on fire and like I'm going to melt. I press my finger to forehead, trying to sop the pulse in my head.

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It's 1:30 in the morning and I decide to log on to my blog. I pick up my laptop and log on to my blogger blog.

Hey guys. Its like 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm super scared because I think I'm going to die. My doctor can't do anything about the tumor in my brain and the radiation isn't working anymore. The tumor is growing bigger and they can't take it out of my brain because its embedded in my brain so it's either die from the tumor or have only half of my brain. I picked the dying part. I really wish that I could take that back right now o be honest. I wanted to graduate from college and have a hunk of a husband and have kids and die a happy and full life. My birthday's in a couple days and Will (my boyfriend) is planning a surprise party for me. I know its supposed to be a "surprise" but I ma him tell me. Oh well.

I wipe a tear from my eye and publish the blog post hat I had made. I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose. I get tired from blowing my nose and pass out.

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I wake up at around 4 o'clock the next day. Will is sitting in the chair next to me, his head bowed and his hands in prayer. I don't know what he's doing so I go back to sleep.

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I peed myself. I woke up at midnight and noticed that my sheets were wet. I pressed the nurse button and he hurries in. She notices the yellow spot on my bed and tells me tells me to get off the bed so she can clean.

"Why did I pee myself?" I ask her. She goes in to the cupboard and pulls out a package labeled "Adult Diapers" I shake my head as she tells me to put it on.

"Sweetie. You have to put it on. Peeing yourself and losing control of your bodily functions is the last stage of brain cancer." I take the diaper and slip it on. This is so humiliating.

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I sleep through the week and I only wake up when someone shakes me. Whenever I wake up, someone is always talking to me, but it takes me awhile to realize who it is. It's either my mom, dad, brother, sister, or Will. Everyday the sleeping gets more intense and the memories of my family and friends gets pushed farther in to my mind. It takes me longer to realize who I am and who my family is. It also takes more of a push then a shake to wake me up. Then one day, at around midnight, my eyes are about to close when I pop them open. It wouldn't take a genius to realize that I could bite the dust at any second. I pick up my laptop and click on Word. I start to type.

Flower's Will

Hello my name is Flower and by the time you read this, I'll probably be dead. That's why I'm writing this right now. I just wanted to say that when I finally die, I want my laptop to go to my sister Elizabeth. Make sure she takes care of it. I want my phone to go to my brother Chris. Tell him that I don't want him to be doing anything stupid. I want to give my love to my boyfriend Will. I want you to tell him that I will forever and ever love him. I want you to tell Katie-Rose that she isn't al that bad and I want her to take care of my family and Will. I want you to tell my mom and dad that it didn't hurt and that I love them so much. I want you to tell my whole family and friends that I didn't want to leave. I still wanted to do things with my life. I wanted to graduate I wanted to get married and I wanted to have a baby. I want you to tell them that I'm okay and that I'm watching over them forever and ever. Tell them that I love them. Take Katie-Rose aside and tell her that I want her to marry Will. I want her to remind him that he can find love other then me.

I click the save button and title it: Read When I am No Longer Breathing.

My eyes fill with tears as I realize that this is the last time that I'm going to see Mel. This is the last time that I'm going to feel Will's lips on mine.

I'm never going to be able to grow my hat up in the air.

I'm never going to get married and I'm never going to have children.

Bit somehow, I think I was always preparing for third moment the day that they diagnosed me of Anorexia.

I knew that I was going to die from that eventually.

I guess a quicker death is better than a slow and painful one right?

I just wish that I had more time you know? That I had a couple more years to live my life and maybe lose my virginity.

I just wish that this wasn't my life. That I had some kind of other life out there.

But I know that this is it.

This is the only life I have.

And I spent the last few months I had to live in the hospital.

But I was in the hospital with the live of my life.

Does that count as something?

Does that make my life worth while?

You bet shit it does!

I fell in love and now in going to die in love.

Personally, I think that's the best god damn way to die.

Thank you guys so much for reading this book. This is not the end there is still one more chapter so I'm gonna wait to post it until I get 18 more reads. Thank you guys so much and remember to stay strong. <3