I haven't yet been able to find something quite like it. The rush, the pain, the control. I am definitely not pro self harm but I need to explain them. When you cut, you forget the bad things in life and you have control, you say where you will be hurt, how badly, what is used. When you cut, the rest of the world seems to just disappear and the endorphin's just engulf you and you just enjoy it, it is like getting high, off of youruself. But there are also bad things with it, having to cover the cuts up for the next couple of days (weeks).
Every time that I cut myself, I spend the rest of my day freezing, I don't know why but I am always cold, I don't lose much blood but I feel like I lost too much and that my body might start shutting down at any given moment. There is also the fear of "oh shit, that was deeper than I expected". I've had it happen to me a few times, one was at the end of a really stressful week and I was left home alone, I called my parents worried when the bleeding wouldn't stop, I didn't know what to do, at that point I was barely cutting and I pushed too deep, I honestly thought I would die. I was fine with it but there was still a part of me that wants to live.
Also, when you cut and the scars start to build up, people will eventually notice. Luckily, my parents don't notice unless I try to cover them up or mention them and then they decide they need to check my wrists to be sure I'm doing "better". Personally, I don't think cutting is so bad...when I do it. I have some friends that do it too, I hate knowing that I could lose any of them at any moment with a slip of their hand. I now know both sides of the cutting thing and I hate it.
Cutting is not something to ever start, once you start you feel like you can never stop. It becomes part of you. When I started they were just little and I didn't really consider them cuts until they started becoming bad. Even now, after 2 years of cutting, I don't feel like mine are very bad, I can no longer count how many scars I have on my body. Somehow, cutting becomes an addiction. My friend once asked me how I was doing with the whole thing, I told her 105, she congratulated me on 105 days without a cut, I told her that was how many fresh cuts I had on my body when I checked last night.\
I don't know if anyone will ever read this but please, if you do, don't ever take a blade to your skin, don't bring that flame near your skin and stop scratching before you find blood. It is horrible to have to quit, it would be so much easier if I had just stopped myself before. Why didn't I just put the blade away?
