Have you ever felt so alone that nothing helps? I'm currently Skyping with two of my friends and they are playing League together. I refuse to play since I guy I once had a thing with played it. My friends are talking about the game and I feel absolutely invisible. If I played, maybe then I'd fit in. Maybe if I got good at gaming. Maybe if I watched anime or stayed up later or was more social or "fun" or a stereotypical teenager. Maybe then people would want to be around me.
All my life I have been bullied, okay, since grade 1, but I'm now going into grade 10 so I'm going to say all my life. In grades 1 and 2 I went to a school with mostly muslim's and black kids. I am also a female and I enjoy playing sports. I wanted to play soccer with the guys and they didn't want me to so they tripped me and started to kick me. The teachers took a few minutes to notice even though there were teachers all around us. That year I was also very far ahead of my class so when my teacher would get bored, she would get people to come to me for help. At that school the staff kept trying to make me skip a grade so school would be more challenging for me but every time they gave me a test to do it, I would blow it and refuse to move up a grade. My mom and I had made a deal that if I could read at a 12th grade level by the end of grade 2 she would give me $100. I got paid.
At my next school, which I attended from grades 3-8, was an arts school that was k-12. I made few friends and I think I had only made 5 friends by the end of my second year there, I came home crying many times. This school was more challenging for me, still very easy but more challenging than the previous school. This school had less bullying than my previous school though I still remember some particularly bad days...In grade 5 a couple girls that didn't like me suggested that they start a petition against me and everybody that hated me would sign it and they had their own little club thing. My best friend of the time signed it then informed me about it. I told the teacher and she didn't do anything since it "wasn't in the classroom", I told my mom and she sent in a bunch of complaints to the principal and I was sent to a councillor. The people that did it didn't end up getting in any trouble. On the last day of grade 8, (I was with my first boyfriend), after I had finished my finals, a guy in my classroom grabbed onto my left boob, I walked straight over to the teacher and told her and she said to him "You're lucky she isn't pressing sexual assault charges" then gave him a little lecture but he didn't get in trouble since it was the last week of school. I told my boyfriend about it so he went and "talked" to him, to this day I hope that he punched him and just never admitted it to me. In mid grade 8, I had made a self harm instagram account, it wasn't pro self harm but it was somewhere for me to vent and find people going through the same type of thing, it helped me quite a lot, until one of my "friends" found it and started telling people at our school about it. I only told one person because she was doing it to my friend too. We tried standing up to her but she would just keep doing it. One night it got really bad and I was having a fight with her in my living room and my mom walked in a found me crying, I was seriously considering killing myself that night. She was very concerned so I threw my iPod at her so she could read the messages. She immediately shut down the account and was asking me if I knew who it was. I told her and she wanted to go to the principal but I didn't want her to, I didn't want to seem like I needed help from other people.
At my third, and most recent school I wasn't bullied very badly. I turned into a bully. I got suspended twice. The first time for cyberbullying and a second time for cyberbullying a teacher. I should have been expelled but the VP thought I was a good kid and he seriously changed my life. I have stopped cutting and he is a main reason for it. I am actually very scared to start high school without him. He saved my ass. I don't think Mr G realizes how much of an impact he made on me but I am very grateful for it.
I don't know if I've elaborated on the first suspension but I do know that I have brought it up before. I hope to write again soon because this is helping me, a lot.
