Sometimes I think to myself, that maybe perhaps, I wasn't meant to be happy.
During my junior year of high school, my life has presumably thought to be non existent. At least that is what society has labeled me into. I'm in grade eleven now, and I suppose you could say that I could be learning to live a life of sorrow and pity.
You could say that I became depressed. Or that I was depressed. Perhaps the reason that may be, was because I rarely socialized with people aside from my only group of friends. I spent half of my year thinking how irrelevant my life was, and using my free time to contemplate about commiting suicide. And perhaps because my whole existence was based upon being neglected by my parents, tortured by my peers and because of the horrific experiences in the past that caused me to build up walls around my life, and scars around my body.
Or maybe I wasn't depressed. Perhaps I was just sad. I smiled, fakely to my friends. Who knew a lot of things about me, but were oblivious to my brick of walls. I laughed, but only so no one could see the emptiness in my hollow life. I like to have fun. But I don't think fun would be considered as constantly sleeping all day, being on my mp3 player listening to funky music, and outlining a daily routine of revenge with my bestest friend Jeralyn Trinidad.
One of my biggest regrets will be revealing to my friends how much of a burden I am. So which is why everymorning when I wake up, I put on the biggest plastic smile on my face, and get ready to face another day of the bittersweet taste of reality. Even if it kills me. No, I will never reveal to my friends my aching, burden of a soul.
I wasn't always like that though. Since I was a kid up till grade nine, I remember being the Valerie Ramirez who was witty. Always bubbly and getting out there. Participating in singing competetions. Being in the school choir, always getting the solos. Making music suggestions to my fellow competitors. The unpredictability where I would always sing emotionless when in practice, but when I entered the stage in perforamance, I would be the Valerie Ramirez who would sing her heart out to the stage, full of emotion and passion. Singing the solos so proudly in enthusiasm. When the curtains arise, they see me dressed the most than the whole choir. The one soloist who stands out. Who competed nationally and got the choir to victory. Yes, I was the unbeatable Valerie Ramirez. The soloist who would always get a perfect score. The unstoppable Valerie, who took victory, and pride, and witty humor. I was the girl you could never beat, when it came to music. The girl who never seemed to stop smiling, finally had her face fallen.
What happened to me?
About the start of grade ten, I was forced to go to school because of my parents. After constantly failing grade nine, I refused to attend something that was failing me on purpose. I focused too much on singing, instead of schooling. I failed myself. I was music smart. But not smart in my subjects. According to my parents, I became an under achiever. I got denied to a performing arts high school academy. I was nervous, and I fucked up my audition. It's ironic, the unstoppable soloist Valerie Ramirez had fucked up her audition, and was stopped.
Not only that, I would be constantly pushed around by the harsh cruelties of my peers who had fallen in the "Popular" or "Chill" category of the high school social statuses.
After a week of ditching school, my dad had finally had enough of me laying around in bed pretending to be sick. That he said he would force to take me to the hospital if I didn't get out of bed. So I cried and cried while he took me to school, where I was finally reunited with my friends, but tortured by my peers. That was today.
Math isn't my favorite subject. Certainly not my best either. I don't even know why we have to take it. It's not like we are going to use it in the future. Well, unless you're going to become a doctor or some kind of scientist. I got a score of twenty eight percent out of one hundred. You know what's the worst part, our teacher makes us get the test signed by our parents. Indicating that the've seen it.
BINABASA MO ANG
Forever Losers
RandomWhat once use to be the witty, unpredictable and unstoppable Valerie Ramirez had become the saddened self-destruct. Her high school days had become a deadpanned living hell, and her peers as of society treated her as an unwanted nobody. She was lost...
