Hurt

The Memory

It's back. The hurt, the stress, the tears... I'm back. I've relapsed and I'm being blamed for things I didn't do oh but worst of all a girl named Debby is dating Scott, I was depressed before this but now it's so much worse. After school today I had to go to a homework help thing and Scott is there but before he walks in I looked through the clear glass doors of the library to see him and Debby hugging and kissing, that didn't help my day what so ever. While I was doing my homework, I realized that I was staring at him! Praying he didn't notice I looked away. Once I was finally home my mom breaks the news to me that when she was in a conference with my teachers earlier today they said that I have to be out of wood shop and go into a stupid math intervention class with only 7 other people. I thought that was the worst of the news, nope, I have to stay in school for 2-3 weeks during the summer to get help with math! I ran to my room, threw myself onto my bed, pulled out my blades and cut, and cut, and cut. I thought to myself, *This is going to be just like last year, now everyone is going to call me stupid, dumb, useless, etc. I can't go through that again! I was so close to committing suicide last year because of crap like this." *Flashback* Last year I was in an insane asylum twice for 2 weeks. Each time, it was torture, it made me worse. I remember everything from smells to looks even the tastes of the food, the milk was warm, the fries were soggy, every meal had meat and I'm vegetarian so I starved myself. After that I would have horrible flashbacks and scream, cry, and run, just trying to escape the thoughts tormenting me. Nobody will ever understand the amount of pain that caused me. Once I was out I had to go to an after school program where the people picked me up in a handicapped van that beeped when it backed up making it oh so noticeable I was in it. I had to share my feelings, thoughts, and problems. They wouldn't get me home until 7:00 at night, I didn't have any time to hangout with friends for all of last year. From those experiences it didn't help like all adults think since I put on a happy masks around any adult, all it did was teach me what cutting was, how to kill myself, etc. I'm ruined and I can't change the simple facts that this will never leave my mind...EVER!